"Offbeat" is a SmartShanghai column about stuff to look at or do in Shanghai that's interesting or weird (relatively, of course), that doesn't fit anywhere else. It appears weekly, monthly, or maybe even annually, when we're not busy working on other superfluous column ideas.

I recently spent a weekend in Hong Kong for two reasons: to attend the wedding of a friend I haven't seen in years and to see 3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy, the newest installment in the Sex and Zen pornographic franchise, a film marketed as the world's first feature-length 3-D porno movie.

What can I say? I'm a romantic and a pervert. A permantic? A romavert? Whatever you'd call me, don't judge. My breed is more common than you think.

More common still, if you, Shanghai, are like anyone I know, the mention of the words "3-D porn" spawns a veritable orgy of obscene images in your mind. Mammoth breasts jiggling with perked nipples the size of fire hydrants. Tree trunk-sized phalluses swinging high above the audience, penetrating deep into damp yoni the size of cave-dwellings. Giant, bulbous buttocks flapping so close, the overzealous offer a playful bite to the steamy air in front of them. And let's not forget about the money shot...



... ... ...

And honestly, who can help themselves? There is something fascinating about the idea of bringing a porno movie into the world of 3-D. Pornography already gives us the opportunity to indulge ourselves regret-free in a stylized world of gymnastic feats of fornication... but in 3-D? It's a proposition that can't help but arouse our most prurient interests. The people of Hong Kong and Taiwan were certainly aroused. Last month's opening weekends in both Hong Kong and Taipei saw this 3-D porno movie hit number one at the box office. As of now, the flick is (surprise) not being shown in theaters in mainland China.

But before you blow your load on plane tickets to go see the thing, anyone expecting an LA-styled hard-core spooge fest in a whole new dimension will be disappointed. The film is soft-core, i.e. nobody on screen is actually having sex. No actual penetration! No amateur gynecological, urological or proctological camera work! No attempts by the film's so-called actors and actresses to break the record for the amount of fluid secreted during orgasm! Yes, there are some (male and female) full frontal shots and several close-ups of a severed, teeny weenie, but most of what you have to look foward to is a nice bit of T&A. Those looking to relive the glory days of "Skinamax" will feel very at home. Well, sort of...



It all comes down to the plot. (You didn't think I'd leave that out, did you?) The basis for the film comes from the salacious, oft-Beijing-banned, Ming Dynasty novel The Carnal Prayer Mat. (Even porno in China has a history going back centuries.) In the opening lines of the novel, the author Li Yu tells his readers that he will use his discussions of lechery to overcome lechery. The makers of 3-D Sex and Zen have taken this message to heart. What starts off as a tongue-in-cheek roll-in-the-hay turns into a brutal, stomach-turning bloodbath a la Hamlet that leaves the audience with the moral that love can (and perhaps should) be had without sex.

The story begins with a conceited, but brilliant young scholar named Wei Yangsheng (Hiro Hayama) who has quite a penchant for the ladies. Even after wooing and bedding (very, very "quickly") the woman of his dreams, Tie Yuxiang (Leni Nam), he's off on an undercover muckraking expedition to the lair of the Prince of Ning (Tony Ho), which for all intents and purposes is a gigantic brothel carved into a mountain. There Wei ingratiates himself to the Prince and earns the right to indulge in two of the Prince of Ning's most prized beauties -- Ruizhu (Saori Hara) and Dongmei (Yukiko Suo). Ruizhu has the ability to use acupuncture to make coitus continue almost indefinitely, while Dongmei is a beautiful, stone-cold bitch, whose sadism knows no bounds. Her introductory scene has her engaging in the kind of sudden, graphic violence that you'll be inundated with later.



Tie eventually finds out that Wei has been spending all his time inside with other women and files for divorce. The shock causes Wei to pursue even more deeply his lustful desires, hoping to become the apprentice of The Elder of Bliss (Vonnie Lui), an hermaphrodite whose "trick" utilizing his/her golden phallus will be sure to result in dropping jaws. Unfortunately, it turns out that Wei's ding-a-ling is just too tiny to learn the Elder's secrets. So in an attempt to improve his equipment, Wei seeks the aid of two doctors to give him the penis of a horse. After a humorous operation scene, Wei ends up not with the sought-for horse handle, but a donkey dick instead. It's good enough. His confidence pricked, he returns to the lair of the Prince of Ning and proceeds to satisfy up to ten women at a time. Wei is in ecstasy, but the Prince of Ning is not. In addition to a nasty case of penis-envy, he's found out that Wei has been plotting against him. In his anger, he makes Wei and just about everyone else in the picture pay.



What follows is forty-five minutes of rape, torture, fatal seductions and one bloodbath after another. What was light-hearted soft-core becomes down-and-dirty gore-core. It's not for the feint of heart. I personally found it a bit tasteless, but then again, it is a porno movie.

So what happens?

I won't spoil it for you.

I've taken you all to the climax. You can deal with the clean-up on your own.

***

3-D Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy is playing in Hong Kong and in the imagination of a generation. It’s in Cantonese with English sub-titles.

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