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[2016]: The Best WORST FLYERS

Open the gates of hate! Here are your yearly perfect crimes against Photoshop. COME AT ME.
By Dec 27, 2016 Nightlife

TELL EVERYONE

Hey heeeeeey Shanghai,

Here we are again! The worst flyers of the year! Yes! Let's get this shit show underway. You know the rules: Over the course of 2016, SmartShanghai.com received over 9,000,000 event submissions. We hired a team of scientists to comb through the submissions and find the worst promotional images associated with said submissions to be collected and dishonored herein. This is all very scientific and valid and legit. You just have to trust us on this one. We've been in the event business a long, long time. We told you the cross streets for the beaches of Normandy on D-Day; we told you the reservation number for tables at the Execution of Louis the XVI; we told you about that sweet 2-4-1 margaritas deal at the Crucifixion.

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Side Note: This article is late this year because I wrote the whole thing last week and DELETED IT BY ACCIDENT before we could publish it. Had to do the whole thing all over again. So there you go: There is a certain karmic justice at work in the universe.

But whatever. Screw all you people, LET'S DO THIS.

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Shanghai is always changing but some things stay the same forever. This article is one of them and the other is the Windows Bar chain's unshakable believe that google image search "hot chick circa 1991 + seasonal costume" is the way to go for promotional images for their events. Every time I get a flyer from them, it feels like I'm loading it on a 56K modem — it's taking 30 minutes, just chunking down the screen from top to bottom — and at any moment my mom is going to walk in the room and catch me with my jeans around my ankles.

Plate of grilled cheese sandwich crashes to the floor and shatters.

Basically, I'm spending the next week buried in a pair of headphones blasting Slipknot, just drowning in hot shame.

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If you want to entice people to come to your event, one thing you could try is curb stomping their eyeballs.

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You can tell how talented a chef is because they always have at least one press photo of themselves looking like Keanu Reeves trying to defuse a bomb in Speed.

Relax guy, you're putting a sprig of parsley on some pork chops not embroiled in a 16-hour surgical procedure to separate conjoined twins from Bangladesh.

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You can tell this guy's thinking, fuuuuuuuuuuck how am I gonna get all this lube out of this shag carpet.

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As far as genres of flyers go, for 2016, the smoldering Euro DJ that looks like the third-to-last guy Jason Bourne fights in the movie superimposed on a Windows 95 screensaver was a real dying trend. Just a few years ago, these things used to thunder across the SmartShanghai events listings like a herd of wildebeests migrating across Africa. This year, I saw maybe just three of these. They’re like an endangered species.

Kinda feel like if someone doesn’t step in with some kind of NGO conservation effort, we’ll end up with just one of these left — the last lonely Dutchman playing progressive house that no one can hear into the ether like that one last whale that communicates in a frequency no other whale can comprehend.

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Look at this fucking thing that for-real happened.

I bet the guy who tried to do the "How to Attract a Laowai Guy" workshop is super stoked because he's no longer the worst person in the universe.

This shit makes his shit look like a Ted Talk for Doctors Without Borders.

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The maestro will be presenting an original composition, the acclaimed award-wining concerto "I'm Having a Stroke 83Y48H0BBJB gahhh......* in E Flat Major".

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So I heard Amber is reopening?

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This guy got so many requests for "silence" he turned it into his genre of specialization. Now he gets flown all over the world for it because he's like the Kurt Cobain of just shutting the fuck up already.

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Check it out, even David Guetta is like, ehhhhhhhh I dunno about this David Guetta guy anymore.

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I just like this one because I really admire how it's trying to instill in children very important concepts like "free flow" very early in their lives. I myself am writing a children's book with the very same goals in mind called "Dick and Jane Got Guest List".

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It's like somebody fed Dave Navarro after midnight and now we've got three of those fucking guys.

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The dudes from Ruijin Cajun sent this over personally like "hey are you still doing that best/worst flyers thing?" Not sure if they were hoping to get on the "Best" list but the joke's on them because we're ONLY doing worst this year, so here we are.

Hmmm. But it's a pretty good flyer and well-executed. Let's see... how about:

"In the depiction of a healthy, physically capable male physique, of course the Ruijin Cajun guys had to turn to the realm of fantasy. The concept of "ab muscles" is pure speculative fiction for those guys."

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Man, those Goose Island people were everywhere this year. There's nothing wrong with this flyer, I just wanted to point that out. 2016 was the year of Goose Island. They were at every single event. Seriously, the other week, all I did was refresh my email inbox and I turn around and this guy's like, hey brah way to refresh your email, glad we could be a part of it. Have an IPA and tell me about what you think of the hops in this one, brah.

Just kidding, Goose Island.

(I'm thinking about getting a vasectomy just purely as an experiment to see if I could get Goose Island to agree to do a taps takeover of it. Maybe launch a new seasonal ale.)

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Sometimes you've just got to take a minute out of your day to really listen to yourself and the world — to listen to yourself in the world. Sometimes, you've just got to open yourself to the eternal comic forces that are swirling around all living beings always and joining us together as one heart, one soul, one essence on this crazy journey called life. This guy's pubes are a part of that discovery, I would argue.

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This is the best worst flyer of the year — perhaps several years. This is the promotional image — the entire promotional image, it didn't get cut off or anything — for this event right here. A very lovely sounding cooking workshop geared towards people with digestive problems. Nothing wrong with that. Sounds very informative. But they went with picture of baby that has obviously just left an iPhone in a taxi and CONSTIPATION in bold letters. And that's it. Oh the pain. The misery.

Then you can sort of realize how this promotional image can work for any and every event in Shanghai. From a "White Party" on the Bund, to some inscrutable networking event, to wine tastings, to drum 'n' bass nights in basement dives, this is the most accurate image you can use to promote an event to give people an idea of what they can expect. At least spiritually. This is the alpha and omega event flyer right here. No more should be made after this one. Like how they should have stopped making movies after The Matrix.

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Okay, we're good! We're all good for another year! Happy holidays y'all! Just kidding! No hard feelings! Luv u!

TELL EVERYONE

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  • 3 years ago TSkillet

    "It's like somebody fed Dave Navarro after midnight and now we've got three of those fucking guys. "

    Goddamit. Now I've spit tea all over my computer.

    Also, Slade Boy? Seriously?

  • 3 years ago ameriwen

    I count 18 fonts in that second one.

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