Hi Mats,
Long time reader, first time questioner.
I’m in a relationship with a spectacularly beautiful woman who exceeds all reasonable expectations of what a partner should be. Every day she inspires me to become a better manager, friend and all around human being (as well as to stop drinking and smoking so damn much, which is also a good lesson). As any of my friends would attest to, this intrepid soul has single-handedly rescued me from a lifetime of destitution and 中南海-induced sarcoma; however, this good fortune came attached with a caveat...
Generally speaking, we have a healthy sex life, which I'm fairly confident she enjoys. Occasionally during coitus, however, she will contract her inner muscles with such force that it literally squeezes the life-blood from me. I happen to be well endowed, though not freakishly so, and she happens to be rather petite, but again, not abnormally so. This is immensely (can't emphasize that enough) painful when it occurs, and it has begun to happen more frequently.
Naturally, feeling both bewildered and blessed that such a beautiful woman would even entertain the notion of committing such illicit acts with me, I would normally choose to ignore this slight bit of unpleasantness. Unfortunately, that has proved impossible due to the intensity of the discomfort, and I'm worried that she is confusing my moments of sporadic intense pain for a more overarching dislike of sex with her in general. I've literally gotten to the point where I can no longer mask the anguish on my face.
I'm extremely hesitant to tell her the truth because, well, I'm a guy and I suck at confronting issues like this directly. Also, she happens to be a few years older than me, which I think may lead to her sometimes feeling a bit insecure about our relationship. Lastly, it seems like a problem without a viable solution, which is a bit depressing. Is she supposed to monitor her excitement levels and remain appropriately subdued during sex for the rest of her life? That doesn't sound very realistic...
What is the best way to confront this problem? I need to emphasize that she is infallible and beautiful and that I don't care about the sexual part of the relationship half as much as all of the other awesomely thoughtful shit she does for me on a regular basis. Accidentally causing her to feel somehow sexually inadequate through my misguided efforts to deal with this situation would honestly break my heart.
I need your help, Mats...
G
Wow,
During the seven years of writing AskMats, this is the first time I’ve EVER had a man tell me that his gf's yogurt pot was too tight! Hallelujah, it exists! I can't believe it! You should feel blessed! There ain't many tight twats out there!
Alright, alright, let's get serious. I'm actually very thankful you wrote to me as I had never heard of this. I had to do quite a bit of reading and chatting to get some info. But it sounds like a condition called
vaginismus (that one's painful for her as well, though, so you better check and make sure she's not being silent) or it could be something called
Penis Captivus (which is a form of vaginisum but the women normally don't feel pain). Both conditions are when the women's PC muscle in the vagina tenses suddenly and uncontrollably. It's a reflex that's similar to the response of an eye shutting when an object comes near it. And like you say, it can tighten to the point where it’s very painful for you, sometimes even making her hamster impenetrable. Some women can't even put tampons in themselves. Bloody things, I hate them, anyways.
Now vaginisum is not a well understood condition. They say many factors can cause vaginisum, such as a traumatic past experience (psychological) or it could simply be involuntary to the point that the woman themselves don't even know that it’s about to happen.
But hey-hey, they have a treatment! Panty hamster stretchers! Yay! Vaginal dilators which you can order online and use yourself. And, may I say, they look like a lot of fun. If you want to go down the cheap road, just go to any sex store and buy every sized dildo and start from the smallest one and move to the next, gradually working up the sizes.
Now, you're right, this is a sensitive subject but if you do all the reading I've done and then show her all the stuff you've read she should understand your genuine concern and that it has nothing to do with how attracted you are to her. You just need to be dead straight honest with her. “It's sometimes painful, so I did some reading and I've found out that there is a condition called vaginisum and that there are couples out there with similar experiences…”
Fear comes from the unknown, so make sure you read up properly so you can explain everything you know to her. If you leave her hanging, it’s definitely going to turn into a psychological nightmare for you guys. And yes, shower her with lots of love but don't give her the bullshit about how you don’t care about the sexual part of the relationship half as much as all of the other awesomely thoughtful shit she does for you. She's obviously not stupid, and nor are you. So grab your balls and give it to her straight. You love sex with her but it's painful for you, it's not her fault because her body is doing it involuntarily. Let's go see what some of the treatment options are. You never know, this treatment stuff might open you guys up to a whole new thing.
Hope that helps but just one more thought before I go, you know where the pussy is, right? You sure you're in the right place?
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