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[Ask Mats]: Teenagers in Love

Dec 09, 2014

Dear Matsume,

Your column is my favorite distraction from my boring internship these days… and so here goes:

I am in my early 20s and have been in China for a little over a year. I just ended a long distance relationship a few months ago -- it was tough to keep going and it didn't work out.

A few weeks after the breakup, I met a guy and we had good chemistry from the beginning. And so we ended up sleeping together several times. It's been about a month now, I think, and we hook up every week.

It hasn't really gone beyond that point. I don't want to be the complicated girl, waiting for him to call and text. It's just basically been a lot of talking and sex. It hasn't gone like a normal relationship -- flirting, dating, and kissing, etc….

So lately, it's gotten to be a bit more. He introduced me to his friends. He is cuddling after sex, holding my hand, and kissing me on the forehead -- things like that.

So I'm a bit confused where it might be going. And to complicate things, I think I might be falling for him as well. I think I cannot control my feelings and am starting to become the complicated girly girl. Since then, I haven't texted him.

Worst part: we are both only two months left in China before our internships end and we both leave for good.

I would be thankful for any advice you have…

Q

Dear Q,

I hate it when girls say, " I don't want to be a girly girl" because I used to say that. That was the old me, the old... "I'm not comfortable in my own skin, my own sexuality, my own self-worth" me.

What's wrong with being a girly girl? And what the fuck is a girly girl anyways? A girl that's being too much of a girl? Huh? What?

Darling, seriously, you are a girl, which also happens to mean that you are a human, and humans are emotional creatures. And here's the thing:

Emotions are good! Positive emotions are positive! If you are feeling positive emotions about someone else, then you deserve to let yourself try to chase those emotions to see what happens. Come on. We're born to love and lose and hurt and love again. It's in our nature. Don't suppress it.

This guy obviously digs you so go fuck his brains out but this time, instead of being the cool chic who slithers out the door soon after, be the cool chica who can be honest with herself and to him.

If you don't have that much time together, then you might as well make the most of it. And then you can try to make something work after you both leave.

Think I might be getting another letter…

Here's some bot mots from Paulo Coelho, from Eleven Minutes:

“I’ve met a man and fallen in love with him. I allowed myself to fall in love for one simple reason: I’m not expecting anything to come of it. I know that, in three months’ time, I’ll be far away and he’ll be just a memory, but I couldn’t stand living without love any longer; I had reached my limit…

Generally speaking, these meetings occur when we reach a limit, when we need to die and be reborn emotionally. These meetings are waiting for us, but more often than not, we avoid them happening. If we are desperate, though, if we have nothing to lose, or if we are full of enthusiasm for life, then the unknown reveals itself, and our universe changes directions.”