Obsessions

Oh darling,

Rejection is a biatch! It hurts oh-so-badly and your self-esteem takes a hit. So you tell yourself, ‘what if I give myself another chance with him, maybe he won't reject me this time. What if he sees that I enjoy the same sport or hobby?’

You do this, only to find that when the chance comes – even if the chance encounter ever comes -- you realize you've been living in a lie. An unhealthy and addictive lie you’ve told yourself.

I don't think you lost your confidence through your experience with this guy. I think you lost your confidence a looooong time ago, girl, and you need to do some deep reflecting on your relationship patterns. You need to look at how you create relationships with people. You need to look about how you are not dealing with rejection properly. You need to look for the origin of your abandonment issues.

Let’s look again your situation again: You weren’t in a relationship with this guy long enough to forge a meaningful connection with him based on who he really is and now you’ve forged a damaging and unhealthy relationship with him based on what he represents to you. This is not a problem with this one guy, this is a problem you have with all guys.

What is it about rejection that makes us feel so emotionally unstable, to the point where we will go to great lengths to not feel it or deny it? Why can't we just let go? Well, let's look at some possible components that may trigger this. As children, abandonment is one of our greatest fears. It sure was mine. To be abandon as a child is to die. A child cannot survive without the nurturing of adults. Depending on our own histories, that fear remains with us to some degree. As adults, when we are abandoned by someone we look to for love and support, that childhood fear of abandonment is triggered. And this can generate intense fear and panic. And it’s this fear and panic that triggers clinginess. It’s fear that is making you construct these “stories” about this guy to avoid the reality that he’s gone.

So girl, do some self-reflecting. Maybe when you were young you felt abandoned? Maybe your parents left you to cry for hours when all you needed was support. Maybe you got your heart broken at an early age, didn’t deal with it in a health way, and it’s dictated how you dealt with relationship and rejection every time after that.

You need to deal with your fear of abandonment, know what you’re doing to yourself, put it in its place, and overcome it. When you are rejected, don't take it so personally. Maybe this guy was just looking for a quick f*&k and that's it. It could have been you or the girl next door. It has nothing to do with who you are, what you look like or what you do. You had a putang and he wanted it. If a guy lets you go, you've got to let him go.

And until there is a next time, you need to talk to friends, talk to family, maybe even talk to a professional counselor, because you have to stop what you’re doing before it develops into a very, very unhealthy and possibly dangerous thing.

I hope that helps!

Tags: Rejection, Relationships, Boyfriend, AskMats