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[Ask Mats]: A Separation?

May 27, 2014

Hi Matsume,

Just want to say that I stumbled across your column and you are entertaining, insightful, and invigorating to read. Now enough with the flattery and onto hopefully what you do best: me and my problems.

So I moved here a couple months ago from the States because I visited here two years ago for 10 days and fell in love with the craziness that is SH (that I for some reason I do not like the US. Most people tell me I am crazy, but I just don't like the culture there).

Anyways, I am currently married, with my wife back home in the States finishing her degree. The last couple years of our relationship have been rocky. Both of us have brought up divorce but neither one actually wants to go through with it. Part of the reason, I think, is that we have been together since the end of high school and I have not had any other real relationship except for her. There were 6 girls in high school before her, but just flings and one-nighters.

Every time we would go out everyone told us what a great couple we are, how pretty she is, how handsome I am. Blah blah blah. But at the end of a heavy drinking night we usually ended up screaming at each other more than hitting the sheets.

Our sex life at home was what I consider average, about 4 times a week. But a lot of time during I was thinking about another girl. The thing is that she has always relied on me so much and being here is like a weight lifted off me that I don't have to drag around all the time.

The thing is that she gave me permission to go and get special massages if I could not help myself enough. The problem is now that I want more than just a helping hand and I am starting to get a wandering eye and a wondering mind. And the thing is that now I am older and more confident, both in and out of the bedroom, and I want to explore.

I have never cheated on her but she has on me once. With the long distance between us I feel like I need to at least try out another girl so see if it is just my dick or my heart that wants something different.

Please shed some of your wisdom down as it is about to be a big weekend out with the boys and I have a feeling my buddies are looking to hire some help for me or at the least get me drunk enough to hit on some other girls.

Thanks,
JD

Dear JD,

Well, where do I start? So your wife is back home and you are in the city of indulgence. I'm guessing you're looking to me to give you the free pass your wife won't give you? Guilt is a bitch. So as long as you know that, by all means, indulge my friend.

But if you've come here asking for my advice, or more to the point, the reason to go ahead, then you've come to the right place. I'll tell you what I see:

A wife whose husband is 1000 miles across the sea. A man, who she once (did) love but probably doesn't as much anymore as sex with him is a bore and the arguments have become mundane. A man she's tried to shake off by bringing up the "idea" of a divorce but hasn't had the balls to go through with it. A man whose brought out the worst in her instead of the best, as she's now become dependent on him. I see a wife, who's given you the okay to have massages because she knows how to plan ahead. She knows you well enough to plant the trap: the trap that she hopes you will fall for, the reason for her to leave you without guilt, because anger makes it easy for anybody to leave a person.

So the ball is in your court. Is this what you want? It's pretty clear from where I'm sitting that it's what your wife wants. She wants to be free again, to be independent again. She's discovering herself as she gets older and wants to explore what she is capable of, physically and mentally. Will you help her with that? Or will you let her go, so she can have her fun too?

JD, I say go for it. Have fun this weekend with the boys. Shanghai, as you may already know is a wild place! I've never fucked so much in my life! But be a good man, hold onto your balls and tell her what happened. Don't be selfish and have all the cake.

Hope that helps!