Urge to Purge

Dear WDITS,

Wow. That's the longest question I've had in a while! And I thought my column was getting quiet. I think you probably already know what I'm going to say. Everybody has their own answer within themselves (cheesy I know), sometimes the answer is hard to see because it’s blurred with fears, sometimes it’s so in your face, you don't even realize. Let me make it clear for you:

"I will go to the 7-11 or a McDonald’s and buy two bags of junk food and stuff my face in the dark hallway, then down a liter of water and... try to get rid of it all. It is so sick and disgusting. I loathe myself every time I do this. It is utterly disgusting. But, moreover, I feel sorry for my poor self. Do I know that the girl he loves the most is a bulimic? He has told me that he finds my eating habits unhealthy. But I brush it off every time. I tell him I'm not that hungry most of the time and when he’s caught me bingeing on sweets I tell him it’s my menstrual sugar cravings.

Now we are about to get married I feel so much unease and guilt, even more so than before because I feel that I'm about to drag myself into my personal problem that I don't see a cure. I want to confess (to myself) that I have a six-year eating disorder. I even think I actually might still be standing on my side when I learn about it. I even secretly wish that my understanding and kindness and care would be a part of the solution to this nasty thing... But I'm just so ashamed and scared to bring this side of me to light, not to anybody, and even less so to myself, who will be married soon. I know honesty is the only way out. But I am also darn sure that anyone in their right mind (myself) would cringe at my deadly disorder. I tell myself that I will keep working on it and one day it might go away. But on the other hand I also feel terrible for keeping such a big secret from myself. I am so torn, Mats. what should I do?"

Darling, it’s time for you to deal with it. Seriously deal with it and face the biggest fear in your life. The possibility of being rejected again. The possibility of the one you love so much may tell you you’re not good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough. The possibility of being totally out of control. The possibility that in this marriage of love, it will be OK and different.

You've already dealt with so many issues. Anger, self-destruction, mood swings, etc. You've been amazing and so has Raj. Like you said, even after all the baggage you brought into this relationship, he still saw the wonderful person within you. Now it’s your turn. You need to see the lovely person in you.

"I even think I actually might still be standing on my side when I learn about it. I even secretly wish that my understanding and kindness and care would be a part of the solution to this nasty thing... But I'm just so ashamed and scared to bring this side of me to light, not to anybody, and even less so to myself, who will be married soon."

It's about time you start seeing yourself as worthy, worthy, that you are kind, that you care and that you are understanding. To know that you were programmed to be bulimic. And that the un-programming is going to be painful, heart-wrenchingly painful. You need to see that all of it had nothing to do with you. That you are beautiful, smart (too smart because you think too much, hence worry too much), caring and lovable. That you deserve all of this.

You've asked enough people in your life to prove it to you. Even Raj through thick and thin, proved to you that you are worth it. And now, he's asked you to marry him. You're running out of excuses. A man has chosen to be with you for who you are. He thinks you’re beautiful. Don't ruin this. That sense of control you feel when you puke everything up, that lasts for a few minutes. The sense of control you'll feel after you get through this will be endless.

No it’s not going to be easy, it’s going to be fucking hard and you'll want to cower, like you've done in the past. Because you know, that this disease comes from the beginning. All your shit, all our shit, comes from our childhood. Raj has been amazing to make you face your devil and he's proven that no matter what he'll always be there and see you for who you are. But he's / you've only touched the surface of what needs to be done.

Everything, all our baggage with friends, boyfriends, work, play, sex, children, food comes from our beginning. Most people can get through life with some of these issues, minor jealousy issues, mood swings and high sex drives. But for someone like you, who is so blessed to have an amazing partner but has a problem that could potential bury you, you can't ignore this. It's not going to go away, it's going to get worse and yes, you'll drag your husband down with you. He'll one day think that his love is not good enough.

If you think this is a problem you two can't manage on your own, seek out a professional trained to deal with those suffering from eating disorders. A good start would be to call LifeLine Shanghai (6279 8990). They'll be able to give you a list of local resources to suit. Alternatively, you could contact Shanghai Intentional Mental Health Association, or the Shanghai Community Center. However closely guarded you've kept this secret, you're not alone, and there's people out there to listen, help and support. Use them.

If you can find a systems psychologist specializing in eating disorders in Shanghai, that would be the best person to see.

So no more bullshit, you have the support, you've run out of excuses, you've written to me, you got an answer, now go find out how beautiful you are and how beautiful you always have been.


*This column was updated on September 14 to better reflect Matsumi's wisdom.