Dear Matsume,
You have the best column I have ever read, so I need your help...
I met my ex-boyfriend a little over two years ago in Shanghai. At the time we both liked each other, but knew we were both leaving Shanghai. Somehow our “friends with benefits” situation turned into a two-year long distance relationship -- him in Europe, me in the U.S. We both knew we had never felt the way we did about each other toward anyone else, but he broke off our relationship last March because of the distance.
After eight months of not seeing each other, we finally met back in Shanghai since we both live in China now. I didn’t expect my feelings to come rushing back, but they did! After some great “nice to see you again” sex, I got paranoid that he was with other girls and not practicing safe sex. I asked him if he had been with anyone else, and he said only one girl. I had been dating someone else trying to get over him, but I was still upset he fucked another girl. Before I saw him I was having a great time in Shanghai and more carefree, and now I feel like a lovesick puppy again.
We both don’t want to be boyfriend and girlfriend, but I know it’s going to be the same every time I see him…best friends with the best sex ever.
The problem is I don’t know how to tell him if he’s sleeping around, he’s not going to be sleeping with me again. I still love him and really don’t want to be having meaningless sex anymore. Can I make it clear to him that I think it’s nasty and dirty to have one night stands, and if that’s what he wants than I don’t want to keep up this special friend’s relationship? I’m scared if I tell him this than I will lose my best friend.
I’m in desperate need of an honest opinion…being a lovesick puppy in Shanghai sucks!
Thanks xxo!
Love Sick Puppy
Dear LSP,
I'm confused. You’re saying you don't want to have meaningless sex with him, but you also don't want him for a boyfriend, but you also don't want him sleeping around?
So what the hell do you want?
Listen, I know what he wants. A friend. A good friend. A friend with benefits. I mean, that's how this all started right? And that's how the long distant relationship also worked right? You had a great time, conversations clicked and flowed with the wine, and fucked each other’s brains out when you did see each other. And when you didn’t, it was more or less open. You were both dating other people.
Well, when you haven't seen each other for long periods of time and then see each other for just a few days, of course, it’s going to be amazing. And in the time apart, emails and texts that you send each other are gonna be filled with smiley icons and ‘I miss you's’ and ‘I love you's’.
But, of course, this is easy when you live apart. It's easy to fantasize what you could be together when you’re apart. It's easy to be in a “relationship” when you don't really have to be there 100%. We can always hide behind the idea of “distance” being the thing that keeps our relationships from being perfect.
And now that you’re in the same city again, the excuse of distance is no longer there and it’s time to figure out how you really feel about each other. No more fantasizing about what could be; time to find out what’s really there.
And I think
you don’t even know what you want now out of this, let alone what he wants.
This:
“We both don’t want to be boyfriend and girlfriend…”
Contradicts with this:
“The problem is I don’t know how to tell him if he’s sleeping around, he’s not going to be sleeping with me again. I still love him and really don’t want to be having meaningless sex anymore.”
I’m inclined to believe the second part of this, “Love Sick Puppy”. It sounds like you’re breaking the FWB rules and looking for a full commitment.
Now, I could be totally wrong and you may have forgotten to mention that you guys already had the serious, ‘what are we going to do’ conversation but I have a feeling you didn't. So my advice to you, LSP, is honesty. Be honest with yourself first and then be honest with him. It’s the only thing you can do.
Have the conversation after you’ve truly, clearly made up your mind on what you want out of this relationship. And yes, depending on how he feels, you may lose your best friend (with benefits) but you shouldn't really. If he fucks off totally, he was never a true friend – this sounds like a cheesy cliché but it’s true.
And if it doesn’t work out, here’s another cliché: plenty of fish in the sea.
F*&k him and go have some fun.
Tags: Sex, Romance, Relationship, ONS, Girlfriend, Boyfriend
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