SmartShanghai | Let Fire Rain Down

Let Fire Rain Down

By Ian Louisell, Jan 23rd, 2009 | In Community

"They have, definitely have... but danger. You had better not buy," warned the young fireworks dealer in a heavy Kuala Lumpur accent.

She referred to Baoshan district, a haven of all things combustible -- not included on my Flexifold tourist map of Shanghai. On the advice of several cab drivers, your correspondents traveled south of the inner ring road, wading through mud, broken bricks, and gnawed corncobs searching for massive fireworks.

Not just big fireworks, ones able to destroy VCRs, cracked-out street hawker stuffed animals, and mannequins from Qipu Lu.

We discovered that Shanghai's fireworks fall into five categories:

1) Really docile stuff designed for kids. These just emit sparks, spin around, pop, smoke, twirl, or other verbs antithetical to "explode/cause danger." Don't bother.

2) Firecracker Bundles. These provide more chaos, and could land someone in the burn unit, if they ever found an ambulance to get them there. American firecrackers come in lame packs of ten to twenty, whereas here in Shanghai, the strings contain between 500 - 5,000 or more. Some flash as they bang, others just cause more commotion than a cooking oil sale riot at Carrefour. Your correspondents tested these on a giant stuffed pig stolen from a Karaoke bar in Seoul. For maximum destruction, we added a bottle of baijiu.

3) Single shells. Our favorite of the bunch, these cardboard tubes shoot a single shell high into the air, which then explodes horizontally. Loud, high-flying, and excellent destructive power. They come in two sizes, although most stores will insist on the illegality of the bigger sort. One dealer explained that sometimes really old (100 year+) people like to use these. Even the smaller size packed enough gunpowder to rain Youzi all over a medium-sized plaza when we tested it. While buying the test fruit, an octogenarian Shanghainese woman sang us Polish songs.

A great value, as an eight-pack only costs 12 kuai. That plus a midrange bottle of baijiu equals the best 20rmb one can spend this weekend.

4) Missile Bricks. The biggest firework one can find without diving into the seedy underworld of Shanghai; basically a bundle of single shells with more flashy lights and colors. Not recommended due to the high price. Medium-sized bricks could cost 500rmb plus. During research for this article, your correspondents learned that the government provides fireworks to the stores, so anything questionably cheap should fall under scrutiny and may result in an inability to clap for encores at Jay Chou concerts.

5) Dat' Ill Shit that Really Fucks Shit Up. Procuring these will require cash, balls, and Chinese language skills. In the ghettos around Qipu Lu, where a ten-year old Henan boy cooked four-kuai La Mian, an older gentleman led us down a trash-filled alley and lifted a garage door to reveal a tall, rusty steel cylinder that resembled a Somali anti-aircraft weapon.

"What goes inside?" I asked.

He unveiled a box of twenty-four bear-fist-sized balls, clearly filled with nothing but gunpowder and fun.

"I'd like to buy one."

"Impossible," he replied, before going into a lengthy explanation of their lethalness.

However, if we bought a box (over 700rmb), he would throw in the missile launcher for free.

The Test: Strapped with a fake-LV bag full of single shells, 1000-count firecracker bundles, a giant bottle of paint-stripping, migrant worker baijiu, various fruits and vegetables, and the pink stuffed pig, your correspondents headed for a public square south of Xujiahui.

Over the next hour, Ramen noodles and hot sauce rained down like a nuclear winter; flaming chunks of orange, lettuce, and watermelon created small fires and a flying piece of stuffed animal singed my skin.

I'll never forget.

Suddenly, an unmarked special firework task force all-terrain vehicle crashed through the park gates, drove over a giant Haibao statue with its 40-inch tires, and screeched to a halt two meters from our feet. Desperately, we threw our last firecracker bundle, creating enough of a smokescreen distraction for us to dash around the block and slip into the nearest KTV, where we ordered four bottles of baijiu and nine ladies.

The Best Choice �C Cost Vs. Destruction. For the reader who just cares about blowing shit up and not watching pretty showers, go for the single shells. All the fireworks stores that recently sprouted up around town carry these. Soaking fireworks/test-subjects in bajiu will increase the fun exponentially. However, those with a heavy appetite for destruction should venture outside of the laowai boundaries and into the districts where all the people who used to live in Puxi-proper now reside.

Tagged: Activities Shopping Chinese New Year Fireworks