SmartShanghai | Lowered Sexpectations

Lowered Sexpectations

By Ian Louisell, Mar 9th, 2009 | In Community

While ringing up my selections at thrift store in LA last summer, the well-aged Lebanese owner grinned when I mentioned that I live in China.

"This may sound strange, but I need something manufactured... it's a kind of a sex toy. Something like an Indian praying, hands clasped, that looks more like a decoration or something, but actually, it can transform into a ride-able dildo. I want to get this manufactured, but I don't know anyone in China... here's my number."

"She's batty," I thought, as I tossed her card in a garbage bin on Melrose.

Nine months later, I begrudgingly paid the 30rmb entrance fee and walked into an expo center full of cup-sized peen-sheaths, love dolls with three entrances, and exactly the kind of businessmen who could have a shipment of those Indian love-machines on a cargo container in a week or so.

But where were all the girls? I had heard rumors of a live S&M show, and assumed, due to cheap labor costs, ample live demonstrations. I guessed I missed all that because, aside from the abundance of phallic and vaginal structures, the whole affair felt rather docile.

Japanese companies promised "factory-tested safety" from their creations, boxed in packages covered with pictures of anime girls wearing "unbearable love-explosion" expressions. Dubious blow-up dolls were everywhere, as were cheap plastic accoutrements. One Chinese company inexplicably rented an massive wall to display solo pictures of the company's president in various tourist spots, often with the obligatory peace sign and captions such as "President of the company visited The Triumphal Arch," and a shot side by side with the head of the Family Planning Commission.

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"See, can fuck...haha it's good," commented the purveyor of "The Portable Masturbator."

Unimpressed I was. Apparently there was a lingerie show but I came too late. On the way out, one sharply dressed young university graduate with polished English, desperately tried to sell us a box of titanium cock-rings to reduce the nasty free radicals constricting that region, thus restricting our full potential. He would even throw in a box of Brazilian Viagra if we bought two boxes.

I suppose overall, I can't complain about the thirty kuai, but I can't imagine a tamer event of this nature.

Here's a quick rundown:

Most disturbing booth: The guys selling high powered telescopes and binoculars.

Most historical booth: The ancient statues of hyper-endowed gremlins and a giant penis/high heeled shoe.

Most likely to cause peen-damage: Any of the industrial lubricant's in the lower-end pleasure sleeves for men.

Best n00b Product: "My First Anal Beads"

On a final note, I'd also mention that Haibao was
not represented for this expo. Seems like an oversight.

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