One of the greatest things about living in China -- besides the fact that it is, of course, a land of ancient and mysterious beauty -- is cheap and awesome convenience store ice cream. With the onset of summer comes the restocking of Kedi mart ice cream bins across the city, and every year I buy and try all of them, sussing out which is going to be my flavor for the summer.

Shucking the wheat from the chaff as it were.

Yes, it's at little early. Yes, it's still cold. But I ran into the delivery guy stocking up the bins earlier this week, and so weather be damned: here's a taste test of 10 convenience store ice creams.

A note on the price: I buy in bulk so I don't know how much they are, suffice it to say they're all between 2-6rmb.

A note on the names: My reading Chinese is pretty terrible, so I'm relying on my own nicknames for the ice creams when English names aren't available. Refer to the artful pictures...

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Magnum

These are probably the most ubiquitous of the Kedi ice cream offerings and present the convenience store gourmand with a stylishly, sleek, 'very Shanghai' ice cream bar experience. They come in multiple flavors, with dark chocolate, peanut-bespeckled, and milk chocolate exteriors, and feature creamy, smooth vanilla or chocolate on the inside. Magnum is a very style-over-substance ice cream bar, and I tend to view these as the non-union Mexican equivalent to Haagen-Dazs.

Tastes: Luxurious at first, and then a little bland.

Verdict: I like them for a two or three time choice, and oh man are they ever great for dates, but then the blandness overwhelms, and after a while, I tend to go with something else.

Basically, I like a sense of whimsy in my ice cream -- give me fantasy -- and Magnum is just too hard-ass, corporate raider for me.

Corn Guy

Everyone knows these corn guy ice creams. Every summer I give corn guy ice creams a chance and every summer my disgust for this particular confection is rendered strikingly anew. Basically, corn guys are vanilla on the inside with the selling point being a stale, corn-flavored wafer exterior.

Tastes: Like mushy, iced death. Basically what you get is a mouthful of regular low-quality vanilla ice cream with the hint of soggy, shredded paper corn thing. Bogus.

Verdict: No thanks, but let's do this again next year.

Polar Bear Bars

Inspired by the shimmering fur coats of the majestic but ornery predators of the north pole, Polar Bear Bars are single slabs of vanilla ice cream. No fuss. No muss. I respect their simplicity and who says there's anything wrong with a big ole slab of vanilla ice cream.

Tastes: Cheap, but comforting nonetheless. The blandness of the ice cream is accented but an undetermined tang that I attributed to melamine. It was quite welcome.

Verdict: I respect your simplicity Polar Bear Bar but you're facing stiff competition from these other brands. Usually when I get an ice cream I want a lot of different things going on for me -- caramel, nuts, chocolate dips -- and not just vanilla.

Nestle Mystery Happy Cubes

"What are these all about," you're probably asking furtively. Boldly doing away with tried and true ice cream delivery systems, the cup and the stick, Mystery Happy Cubes are cube-lets of chocolate-covered, nougat-bespeckled vanilla ice creams.

Taste: Can nougat go bad? Because I think the nougats went bad and it made me kind of sick with a rumbling, queasy feeling in my belly. Although it's possible that Corn Guy is making a repeat offense, I'm thinking not a lot of people buy Mystery Happy Cubes, and these were produced in the mid '70s.

Verdict: Maybe there's a reason why sticks and cups are bankable ice cream delivery mechanisms.

Orange Guy with Anonymous Basketball Guy on Package

Fruit extract iced treats are pretty rare in Kedi compared to chocolate/ice cream confections. OGWABGOP is the only fruity treat on this list, besides the actual fruit treat (see below) and basically they're like normal popsicles. As a side note, what's with the lack of actual popsicles at the Kedi? What's a guy got to do to get some sticky icky in this town.

I guess its still a little early.

Taste: Orangey. Plumey. Crab appley. Kinda sour. Tart. It was really tart actually.

Verdict: Although it looks like it was made in a sweat shop, it's not that bad. I would say that I might go back if I wanted something sweet, fruity, and icy after jogging or playing sports, but then I remember that I do neither of those things and so I doubt I'll be having this one again.

Nestle Mega

A standard almond chocolate-coated, vanilla ice cream stick, Nestle Mega slides in under Magnum as an ice cream treat for the sweet tooth that can't afford the Bentley experience that is the Magnum. Basically, it's the Skeet Ulrich to the Magnum's Johnny Depp.

Taste: Yeah, there's chocolate, there's vanilla, I'm liking it -- but you're not really speaking to me Nestle Mega. You've got no zest, no spark for life, no 'tude.

Verdict: Where are you Nestle Mega? I don't even see you. Pick a gimmick and then go with it. You can't be everything to everybody.

The only thing "Mega" about this is my *fucking disappointment*.

Crab Apple Candy Coated Rice Paper(?) Not Even Ice Cream Guy

Oh man, I don't know whether to eat this or blog about it! This is one of those "China Experiences" that blows my uncle away at family gatherings. It's like a bunch of fruits -- or maybe even vegetables, I don't know -- on a stick covered in mystery, wrapped in an enigma, and dipped in an urban legend.

Taste: Comes on soft, hits you hard with its sourness, lingers, ebbs, abates, comes back again with a vengeance, stays with you for a while, get's you high a bit.

Verdict: Well, it was cold, I'll give it that. But... no.

French-looking Ice Cream in a Cup Guy

Now we're talking. I think I went to a product launch of this ice cream treat at Attica two years ago. It's basically a delicious-tasting vanilla (or chocolate) -based cup ice cream with light dippage action on the top and some kind of sprinkly chocolate powder stuff on there as well. These are so serious they keep the wooden spoons for them behind the cash register at the front of the store.

Taste: Hot. Sexy. Cool. Fresh. Young. Proactive. Chic. Hip. Now. Modern. Dynamic. East Meets West.

Verdict: Yeah, I can see myself hanging out with this one for a while. It's delicious. And cheap. No complaints here.

Nestle Milo Sports Ice Cream Bar (Used?)

I think this one has something to do with "Milo", which is like British hot chocolate or something. I'm not British so the whole Milo thing is over my head. Is "cocoa" hot chocolate? I don't know. Milo the Ice Cream is a simple soft chocolate popsicle that might have positive effects on your basketball game.

Tastes: Undaunted by the fact that this particular ice cream bar looked like it had been smuggled into China up someone's ass, we gave it a lick.

Not bad. Simple, but good.

Verdict: I don't know. It's good. Kind of unmemorable though.

Waffle Cone Thing (Assorted varieties)

I'm not going to lie to you. I'm not going to blow smoke up your ass. I figured this one would be the winner at the beginning and I'll be damned if it's not right up there. Waffle Cone Thing won last summer and I must have had about 60 of these delicious little bastards in the month of June alone. Basically, Waffle Cone Things are waffle cones with vanilla or chocolate bases, and depending on which one you get, they've got dipping, nuts, caramel, pecans, chocolate coco puffs, blueberries (!), and/ or more.

The best part, however, is that little bit of chocolate at the very bottom tip of the waffle cone. You know what I'm talking about -- don't lie.

Taste: A very delicious all-round ice cream treat. Thank you, sirs.

Verdict: With the first one of the year, all those memories from last summer came rushing back. But hey. Let's make some new memories you and me, Waffle Thing.

Also, as a final tip, get the ones with the transparent viewing panels at the top. That way you can see your toppings and flavor! Gnarly!

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