[My Weekender] with Dan Battle

Looking for a Prom Queen - Jun 05, 09

Dan Battle is "el nomo" when he's deejaying, one of the fruits who throws the popular Bananas parties, and to his perpetual chagrin, a genuinely nice guy. This Friday, he and his fellow Bananas are throwing The Prom at Hamilton House.

"And every day is Saturday my friend. Go to sleep, wake up, yo, it's Saturday again!" -- Dres of the Blacksheep

Friday's a big day for me, as it's Bananas Prom Night tonight at Hamilton House with the STDJ's (I'm now suddenly realizing, we've invited STD's to the prom. Yikes!), so there's lots of important things to do. Like picking up the life size unicorn my friend Sara made for our Glamour Shot Photo Booth by Charlie Xia. I set my alarm for 8am... and roll out of bed at 1:30pm after 5.5 hours of snooze. I am a waste of human flesh. There's nothing in the fridge, so I'll make myself a ketchup sandwich and call it breakfast. Next step: coffee. Fortunately my roommate has this machine that foams milk, which makes me feel cultured, important and vaguely European. Caffeinated and with my confidence up a bit, I'm ready to start my day... with 4 hours of checking Facebook. Usually I only spend three and half hours (in a row) on Facebook each day, but today I'm going the extra mile to find a date. Four hours later -- still no date -- I've successfully scared a handful of women by messaging them point-blank "Hey, you're pretty and your profile looks neat. What are you up to tonight? Wanna save some money and go to the prom with me? 30rmb for singles, 50rmb for couples? Hello?" I make a mental note to find a more "exotic" profile picture and update my interests and hobbies making me look cooler, richer and more sophisticated, but that will have to wait until tomorrow.

Post soundcheck I have a "Man Date from Heaven" with my friends Marty and Dan. I'm no food guru, so I follow my friends like a lemming to their choice of restaurants: either Lao Beijing or Yuxin. Now it's Prom time! Still no date, but that's not stopping me; maybe I can pick up another stag looking for wishes to come true on the dancefloor. The prom turns out to be just as magical as I'd dreamed. I never found my "Lady in Red," but as I'm leaving a guy tells me I can probably still find a date over on Tongren Lu. I don't want my night of mystery and wonder to end, so I'll take his advice and head over there at 4:30am. By the time I arrive, however, the only person left standing is this 50 year old, um, lady, who keeps saying "ass f**kee!" and grabbing my arm and not letting go. She doesn't even know what a corsage is. When I try to pin it on her, she punches me. I go home for three more hours of (re)watching "The Wire" and mosquito hunting in my room.

Saturday is a day of sleep and recovery -- much less exciting than Facebook Friday. I'm DJ'ing a dinnertime charity event for the British Chamber of Commerce tonight, but you're probably not invited, so I won't make you jealous by telling you how awesome it's going to be. After the gig, I'll keep looking for my post-prom queen. Mao is the first stop, where DJ Kamikaze is throwing his Yum Yum party and has the power of the free drink, undoubtedly making me look cool in front of out-of-my-league women. (Plus, I need to flyer for the Shaolin Punk party I'll be doing there with DJ Trix on Saturday the 13th). Next I'll swing by the STD two year anniversary at Yuyintang... I heard the world "ass-load" from its press material. Maybe that's the place to meet my corsage-pinnable soulmate! The music will be bumping, the girls will be hot (and ten years younger than me), but I'll get shy, remember I don't speak any Chinese, and stand in the corner instead. Then I'll take off for Kode 9 at The Shelter. Nothing like macho dubstep to put the ladies in a loving mood. I've still got to pin this corsage on someone. The music will undoubtedly be great, the drinks cheap, and the air quality impeccable. Also, it'll probably be so dark I won't be able to tell if even there even are any women here to pin, complicating my mission. Dubstepped out, I'll grab a bowl of the la mian around the corner. Best value for money in town. After, it's home to pass out at the very reasonable hour of 5am.

Sunday I'm woken up my ayi at 10am. I can't pay her this month, so instead I'll offer her a wilting corsage and a back massage. (She's pretty attractive. A catch, really.) She'll refuse my offer of a nice, quiet toast dinner at home, so the house will stay messy, I'll stay lonely, and spend the rest of the day moping. At sundown, I'll realize the real corsage is an insult, but Facebook will always be my friend. And gifted online flowers don't wilt. The End.
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