[Offbeat]: The Questing Finger

New p-ass-ageways towards improving your prostate’s vigor - By Trafton K. Doe, Jul 04, 09

Editor's Note: SmartShanghai enlisted the journalist services of Mr. Trafton K. Doe to sally forth into a certain male health clinic to experience first hand the healing properties of a prostate massage. Be warned. Even though the procedure of prostate massage is medically valid and is proven to prevent and / or cure many afflictions, Mr. Doe exudes a casual flippancy to scientific rigor and a regrettable reliance on smutty figuration and verbiage.

Read on at your own Christian peril.

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In China, so much depends on being able to read the menu. When selecting the ideal prostate massage to resurrect sexual vigor from libidinal torpor, you need to spot the right option from the get-go. I first visited the censored massage male sexual health massage bar in 2007, and I went big, selecting the 388 rmb "Prostate Vigor" option on their lengthy, English-translated menu at the front desk. Several incredible things happened from there, and while the fact that the clinically professional, chatty masseuse spoke excellent English was one of them, the reality-smashing climax of health at the tail-end of a 100-minute session was really what brought me back for a return visit this past week.

At this point, it behooves me to differentiate this particular clinic from your average run-of-the-mill jizz boutique, and I should explicitly clarify that the prostate massage is a medically valid form of treatment for a number of ailments including Prostatitis, BPH, Impotence, and Erectile Dysfunction. As the madam (ahem... receptionist) at the front desk explained, making the seed come out is not the ideal treatment for being more lihai with your girlfriend. For that, your hundred minutes should end instead with you tucking your raging boner into the waistband of your pants and racing home to give said girlfriend the rodgering of a lifetime.

If you're gay, there's probably no need to bother with this article -- your knowledge of male anatomy, reflexology and poppers is so advanced that you know all about what I'm about to reveal to the straight male world of foreigners in China. Gays, don't waste your time here -- you could be out shopping for strappy romandals.

Straight guys, read on -- here's some intelligence from the sloppy trenches of functional penis health warfare.

Whether your erections are still humming along at the same operational capacity you enjoyed at 17 or no, the prostate massage is a relaxing, mind-fucking experience, with a wide range of almost magical medicinal and therapeutic ramifications. The session starts off with a shower and some hot towel massage, moving on to medicinal oil massage for the kidneys, lower back, and ass region. If you are a straight guy who tells his friends that he has "no problem with gay dudes as long as they don't hit on me," you're probably going to be thinking about clenching shut once the straight-faced masseuse starts rubbing essential oils into your inner ass cheeks.

But from here on it's all about submitting to her probing, expert hands while letting your mind float away to somewhere more relaxing than Shanghai, say... Rimini (because Rimini sounds gay and you're going to need a little bit of homo power to deal with what happens next). Over the course of an hour, the masseuse presses, strokes, caresses and finally manhandles your prostate gland into a steadily building, explosive climax of health. You're in her hands -- she has enough control wisdom to judge and release your climax of health down to a millisecond on a stopwatch. If you pay attention, you'll see strange things... fluttering, graceful motions that you might be able to teach your girlfriend.

But for the last twenty minutes, while the masseuse yawns and wonders who texted her, you're going to be in crosseyed, starry bliss.

While her finger is way up your ass, coaxing your virginal prostate.

When she finally lets you have the most gut-churning, eruptive climax of health of your life, it will completely empty your reproductive reservoirs, not to mention cleansing your soul and probably your kidneys and colon too.

Then you take a shower, put on your pants, pay at the front desk and walk briskly out into the womb-like warmth of a Shanghai summer night, congratulating yourself once again for ditching the frigid and draconian medicinal wasteland of the west to come live in Asia, where prostate health stimulation is part of a balanced metrosexual lifestyle.

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Editor's Note: (again) A quick call to the SmartShanghai legal dept. reveals that prostate massage -- the medical validity of which we cannot even begin to stress adequately -- might fall into a legal gray area, and therefore it would be remiss of us to relay the specific address of Trafton's specific Male Health Clinic to you, should they incur legal ramifications from the good work they are doing.

Also Trafton expresses an interest in keeping this place a secret as he didn't want to return and find a lobby full of pained-looking gentlemen looking for ass relief at his spot. Alas, it is up to you to do the legwork in finding a location that offers this specific form of therapy. There are out there. This article, therefore, is for individuals who found a place, suffer from one of the several varieties of male dick / ass dysfunction, and are looking for a little heads-up about it before they take the plunge.

For more information, and ample instructions on how to perform the procedure yourself, check out this informative webpage: prostate-massage-and-health.com.

Way to jump on that domain name, guys.

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