Always one to suckle shamelessly from the ample teat of faux expat journalism, I found myself at Attica a couple of months ago, voraciously knocking back free Mumm champagne at a delightful little invite-only fashion show for the Golden Point Italian lingerie chain. Or was it Moet? No matter. De rien. There I was, slouching in the front row, studying the models through the bubby fizz -- getting the scoop, as it were -- when my mind began to wander onto the usual fodder that vexes the expat psyche in Shanghers.




Notions like, "what an abhorrent sandwich that was at lunch today" and "what lie can I tell my ayi so that I can fire her without feeling guilty," eventually gave way to the old standard: "what piece of shit can I import to China so that I can sell it and make one million RMBs and never have to work again."

I was snapped out of my boozy scheming at the conclusion of the fashion show, when it was announced that the designer was, in the near future, importing a line of men's undergarments to complement their women's lines. Men's undergarments? Men's intimates? Now for my entire 23 years I've been relying on my mother to purchase my underwear and, as fashionably inclined as she is, my mum always opted for boxer shorts that were non-descript and underwhelming -- loose fitting and billowy plaids and stripes from Sears and Wal-mart, and so on -- and I seem to remember a particularly resilient pair of Quebec Nordiques boxers in the mix as well.

I sat up startled in my velvet chair at Attica, spitting my champagne on my faux Armani shirt and angrily summoning the waiter for another. Men's unmentionables exist and are available for purchase? Why have I been draping myself in these appallingly unimaginative proletarian fashions lo these many years? Shifting weight in my impoverished fabric, I was incensed to say the least. What a great and modern and Shanghai-kind of idea.

Now, I've done a little research into the crotch arts but in the arena of high-end designer underwear for men I was at a loss. I place the blame on inadequate schooling. I placed my trust in AskMatsume to lead me in the right direction for options in Shanghai. She referred me to two locally-based vendors of quality men’s undies: TOOT and MANifesto. ...And I placed my balls firmly and resolutely in their courts.

MANifesto

Men's underwear in 2008 will be about making a statement. Sometimes that statement will be a sultry whisper, "Look what I've got for you here"; sometimes that statement will be a puckish, nonchalant dismissal, "Oh am I wearing devilishly sexy undies? I hadn't even noticed. More wine?"; and sometimes that statement will be a bellowing avowal: "I have, on my person, junk so thunderous that most people can't even comprehend it let alone experience it."

Men, if you're brave enough to make this ultimate statement, allow me to introduce C-IN2, or better known as THE SLING.

On the surface, they look like your standard, innocuous men's jockeys but upon further inspection a dangerous and rebellious architecture reveals itself: in addition to a fortified, buttressed and expanded penile region, an elastic loop hangs down from the waistband on the front-inside -- affixed to which is an "adjustable barbell."

Now to put these on, one feeds one's nuts and bolt through this elastic loop and adjusts the barbell for size. The elastic -- in effect -- lifts you up and flings all of you forward, so your package is not drooping melancholically between your legs, but is rather thrust forward triumphantly proclaiming its divine presence for all the world to see and fear.

Available exclusively at MANifesto, "The Sling" is basically a men's Wonderbra for your man bits, and fellas ... you've come a long way baby.

Strapped up and slinged in, I took the C-IN2s out for a test drive one Friday night and I cannot speak its praises highly enough. I found myself strutting around various bars with a greatly exaggerated confidence -- I was the cock of the roost -- gesturing wildly with my bulge and grabbing it with vigor to add punctuation to my many conversations. Leaning back in my chair I sat with a self-satisfying grin as I surveyed the other chaps at the bar. I pictured their penises hanging dejectedly and despondently between their legs, swathed in something utilitarian and proletarian, and mine robustly strung up and alert, in the latest technology, in the thick of the fray.



Observe the diagram: the unslung penis looks forlorn and shamed, as if it has to take a D report card home to mum and dad. The slung penis, however, looks poised, assertive and stately, as if preparing to strut on stage to receive a congressional medal of valour. That's a Jack Bauer kinda cock right there.

The downside? It's basically a bra for your penis and it feels like it. When you're strapped in you don't and won't forget it. This is also a factor if, heaven forbid, you become aroused in the course of your evening. Studs, give yourself a little room to grow when adjusting your barbell in the fitting. Unless slight discomfort is your thing.

Also, if you happen to use a public bathroom, a little social awkwardness can arise if someone occupies the urinal beside you and happens to glance over. As it turns out, most people are taken aback when they see a stranger in the bathroom wrestling with an elastic strap around their package. Sorry to "guy" in the bathroom at The Shelter that one night. But whatever... it was for science, man, open your mind.

MANifesto, located in the same building and adjacent to the Shanghai Studio, is run by Kenneth, and although I was seeking just two things from his store -- The Sling and a discount -- he also offers a wide, wide range of other imported styles and lines including jock straps, trunks, net gear, split shorts and bodywear. Also, MANifesto is having a fashion show on Valentines Day with Lingerie & Me at 789 Nanjing Lu Bar. MANifesto undies are in the 100rmb-250rmb range, with the C-IN2s ringing in at around 200rmb, depending on the style.

***

NEXXT is run by Gabriel, of Club Deep persecution, another valiant and stalwart foot soldier in China's sexual revolution. Gabriel was kind enough to enable me to slip into something a little more comfortable with a few numbers from his line TOOT, imported from Japan. A subtle and clever craftsmanship, the genius of these undies is understated and altogether missed unless a closer inspection is undertaken. Feel free to gaze longingly into the accompanying picture as we discuss the fine, fine innovations of these undies.

Observe first the gentleman's package. As you can see we've got a similar effect to The Sling going on, with the model's business all out in the front, but the difference here is that the effect is achieved in the tailoring and construction rather than an interior elastic apparatus.

Basically, a snug frontal pocket area boosts you up and brings you forward, with a shorter leg length, cropped just above your junk, subtly accentuating the goods. A playful, sporty theme characterizes the presentation, and a superior fabric quality guarantees that they'll last a while. As a less intense experience that The Sling, I procured a few pairs of these and currently they are my new "lay about" sets of undies; I like to wear them with an open robe when answering the door to receive my Sherpas orders, or pay my landlord.

TOOT has recently launched their new website, which features these and several other jaunty numbers including couture, boxers, bikinis, swim wear, tops and bottoms. TOOT products are a little more pricey and boxers are above 300rmb, with their couture items up to around 600rmb.

***

MANifesto
1950 Huaihai Zhong Road, No. 4
near Xingguo Road

TOOT in NEXXT
385 Ju Lu Road, near Mao Ming Road

Lead image taken from TOOT's website. Bottom image taken from MANifesto's website. Book 'em Dan-o. These boys are just too hot!

More recent articles in section "Lifestyle"