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Fanni's Hotline -- Tinderoni
Jul 17, 2015
Dear Fanni,

A buddy of mine sent me a screenshot of my girlfriend on Tinder. It's serious. At least I thought so. What should I do?


*****

Your girlfriend has transcended her earth body and launched herself into the realm of online dating. Have you checked craigslist and adultfriendfinder? Your love is a meme and it's over.

JK

Everyone uses Tinder for different reasons. For some, Tinder is a party activity. A dating experiment. Something people play in their office toilets. There is some chance that she is just fucking around online, with no intent of actually fucking. When her chick squad is comparing matches, baby’s gotta stay #relevant.

Are you insecure that she’ll be Tinderested in horny English teachers opening with "can i lick nutella off u lol", or that she’ll fall for the married banker in town for the weekend at the Hanting Inn? #dickpicbliss. I wouldn't be. Most Tinderonies are looking for relationships like dickwads look for a wife on Yongkang. But just because your girl is having a beer on Yongkang doesn't mean she's looking for the D -- you feel me? One can exist in the ecommerce of ass in the same way they can exist in unsavory nightclub situations -- maybe they're just there with a friend.

But if you think she is actually looking 2 cyber, Tinder isn’t even the dirtiest domain. Just 16 minutes is how long it took me to receive an under-the-pants portrait [eggplant emoji] from my WeChat "search people nearby" feature. This is fact; digital D is everywhere.

Before you confront her -- and you absolutely should -- you need to be certain this IS your darling’s profile. Catfishing is all too real. So do it. Dive into Tinder and get her on her terrain. If she is just playing, wouldn’t it be adorable to play along? Swoop in and swipe right on your sweetie.

Whatever her reason is for getting on Tinder, it sounds like your relationship might have some cracks. And are you sure it's as serious as you think? If it is, maybe you haven’t been giving her the likes and heart emojis she needs IRL.

The bigger issue is that you don’t trust her on her journey under her iPhone screen. Why not hashtag that out with her? Try some face-to-face communication for a change. Venture to a chat that is not screencap-able. Her online behavior is affecting you offline, so address it there.

But then again, how would I know? You ARE only webchatting me, a hot4u stranger, with your personal details. What if I’m your girl all along… [wet emoji]

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