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Fanni's Hotline: Local Love
Jan 29, 2016
Dear Fanni,

I am really tired of expat men. How do I date a Chinese guy?

-- Curious Becky


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So, you want to date "a Chinese guy"…

...Which one? Which stereotypical "Chinese guy" is right for you? Luckily, Curious Becky, you came to the right place. I don't want to see you walk off this lot without a brand new "Chinese guy" of your very own, you hear? I'm confident, I think we can put one in you today!

Now, I’m not going to talk about the inverse male gaze or sexpats or the politics of white dicks taking Chinese women as their modern day concubines. I’m proud of you for turning those tables. Also, I’m sure you’ve already PornHubbed "Asian male, white lady" but let's take this one step further. For complete enlightenment, I've assembled all my exes in a row for your perusal. I've had no small amount of experience test driving various models and can offer a fair amount of insight into the make and genre: "Chinese Guy, 2016".

Think of this as the "ladies-only KTV" of your fantasy...


The Anglophile

"Kobe" works at an ESL school, is clueless that "How I Met Your Mother" has finished production, microwaves his sandwiches, and will love you so hard. He loves your culture so hard. He loves the whole idea. He's super into it. Technically, he's whiter than you.

While this soft, soft man will never understand how to exploit you, he's just as much fetishizing your "exotic appeal" as you are Orientalizing the shit out of him. He longs for you to return home to Hebei with him this Spring Festival, with you as the mistaken Friends character of his dreams, where you will be fed pig skin and have no one to talk to. Kobe will cherish you as a celebrity of your likeness, treating you to glitter-dipped roses and Dianping's top hits.

Welcome to the cat cafe of relationships, adorable Chinglish menu available.

The ABC

For slightly more of that "common cultural connection" feel, Adain or Geoffry or Will will go to a lot of trouble to pretend he’s having relevant fun with you. He will impress you with his meme-decorated Instagram and dates at "my friend owns this restaurant". You’ll connect through his trendy cat and stories from grad school -- he had a black roommate in D.C.! He can roll spliffs and Skype his parents in English when he wants you to feel included.

ABC will bone you in his slick Brooklyn-y flat on Yongfu. For the morning after, you'll decide which expensive dimsum place is more ironic. Everything in his closet is just too pretty to touch. This model comes replete with the sinking feeling that he is dating you to avenge his awkward high school phase. You’d better look good in designer normcore.

An Actual Chinese Guy

The rarest-not-rarest of the genre. Pure, unleaded Chinese. This is more cosmic alignment than crush; you two have nothing in common but the human existence. You don’t even know the pinyin for his name. He doesn't give a shit about your mother tongue; thank fuck WeChat can translate his every message. Remember that silent dinners aren't that weird if you communicate through carnal energies and the universal language of drunk humping -- a language, incidentally, wholly unfettered by cultural specificity or circumstance.

It’s a long slow journey to impress his friends as "facially animated girlfriend on mute". In exchange, you will become adept at Xiami and Youku, know how to Taobao all by yourself, and learn just what those local people are actually doing in the urban shanties on the cusp of Xintiandi. While this is the most honest and pure of the eligible bachelors, it requires some study.

Your new ethnographic endeavor of a romance is as frustrating and electric as this slutty xenophobic town. Welcome to the weirdest sex of your life.

All three of these models are available to lease or own from your local Windows dealership today...

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