There's something wrong going on in the new Channel One mall that's sprung up on the corner of Changshou Lu and Shaanxi Bei Lu. The mall came to be, one recent evening, in a miraculous instance of immaculate consumption. Tuesday, a forlorn corner. Tuesday night, a lightning bolt, three wise men in hardhats, and a Zara in a manger. By Wednesday, the remaining electrical charge in the air gave birth to two foodcourt mutants: StarDog and Mr. Waffle. They have eaten the fruit of the tree of Forbidden Fusion.

StarDog makes the bold claim to be "Shanghai's only serious Asian-style hot dog company ... here to save your tastebuds." They have taken the poor, unwashed hot dog masses and transformed them into spiral-cut "hot dogs" like The Teriyaki Tempation (Teriyaki Sauce, Mayo, Fried Onions, and Seaweed Strips) and The Fish Element (Spicy Japanese Fish Roe Sauce, Seaweed Strips, Bonito Flakes). There is, quite seriously, a proselytizing human-sized hot dog passing out flyers that say "Sayona Hamburger" in front of the store. I ordered a classic hot dog about two hours ago from her/it/the hot dog, the kind that makes me feel safe, with ketchup, mustard, onions, relish, and cheese sauce. Upon seeing the spiral of pale white flesh pulled out of its holding tank, I quickly reconsidered and passed it along to a colleague, who examined it excitedly before pronouncing it "not that good." A hot dog set, with a drink and fries, is under 30rmb, but that's not including the ongoing cost of rescuing your soul.

It'd be a just a minor sin among an otherwise rather nice food court (Noodle Bull, Burger King, a new and decent Viet fast-food joint called Pho Yummy), if not for what's just a few hot dog lengths away: Mr. Waffle. Why is it that in Bangkok, waffles have become not just a breakfast food, but a refined, delicious, ubiquitious street food, given their full due, but on Changshou Lu, they're turned into -- gasp -- sandwiches? The business card scared me off, with its picture of a rather delicious-looking sandwich of pepperjack cheese, tomatoes, lettuce, and Italian coldcuts, wrapped in a waffle.

How dare they. Someone call Pastor McDonald.