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2012: WORST Event Flyers

Cry havoc! And let slip
the dogs of war, that this foul deed shall smell above the earth with carrion men, groaning for burial.
By Dec 19, 2012 Nightlife


Oh, you forgot about Dre?

Nah, son. Nah.

Here you go, the yearly round-up of Worst Flyers for two-oh-one-two. Got some new faces on here and some repeat offenders. (Mattia! Take a photoshop class for fuck's sake!)

As always, these worst flyers are far, far, far superior to yesterday's Best Flyers and they were judged on two criteria:

1) If they were a bit shit.

2) If they were perfectly decent flyers that could be re-contextualized as to engender a completely uncalled for but personality satisfying mean-spirited caption.

Let us join hands in hope and faith that the swift and righteous Mayan apocalypse carries with it the promise that this will be the last one of these.

***



This Jennifer Lopez After Party at CD Soho isn't the "Official After Party" nor is it the "Unofficial After Party", nor is it the "Secret After Party That She'll Actually Be At That You're Not Invited To" After Party. This is just a Jennifer Lopez After Party to celebrate the fact that she played somewhere sometime in the city earlier that evening.

That's something I could do from the couch in my apartment, repeatedly punching myself in the face as hard as I fucking can.

***



We're getting dangerously close to that reality where event flyers are completely comprised of all these tiny logos at the bottom. What's that all about anyways? What does it do? What is being transacted?

Pretty sure on both sides of it, it's pretty much like a handshake between a manticore and the Loch Ness Monster -- nothing is actually transpiring in the real, physical world.

***



Shanghai, I turn my back for two fucking minutes and a club called "Ibiza" opens up. Come on now. Gotta stay vigilant on this shit.

***



Apparently, for Halloween, Shiva hosted a classic WWF King of the Ring Royal Rumble throw-down for suckiest music ever invented.

Nice.

***



Just so excited to see how this one turns out. You think they're going to release the information piece by piece in a series of Facebook updates?

***



Something's just weird about this one. Just seems a little off somehow. Proportionally. Something's a bit wonky. It just doesn't quite… OH, I SEE IT.

...Yeah, someone's gotta fix the 'shop job on that bow-tie.

***



Dudes, pretty sure that ain't allowed. Not cool, man, not cool. This is like... man... this is like putting Gandhi on the flyer for The Westin free-flow Champagne buffet brunch.

***



Hehe.

***



Antidote, trying to take their flyers to the NEXT LEVEL with flashy .gifs and shit but the technology just isn't there yet. We're just not there yet, technology-wise. This is what a .gif looks like when it misfires. A blank grey thing. Wonder what it was supposed to be.

But seriously, Antidote, relax. It's like this Antidote promoter person was THAT GUY who bought the first portable JVC CD Player for like 29,000 dollars. Them shits were the size of a Honda Civic and used to skip if you even summoned them into active consciousness.

***



Pretty sure Heatwolves is living the movie Groundhog Day and has to do one of these every day until he actually plays some good music at one of his parties to break the cycle and move on into tomorrow.

ROAST.

Kiddin', Heatwolves! I honestly think these are pretty great. (He works out.)

***



Never gets old, eh.

***



Look at this wackadoodle. If I'm paying 9 million RMB for a hotel brunch I don't want Balki Bartokomous here doing cut-rate improv prop comedy with the seafood.

***



I usually like the flyers from Shiva. Whoever does them finds some interesting pictures off the net to slap on them and there's some production values with the finish product.

But this time, guy was on the bus, had like five minutes to get this done, had to take a dangerous shit, and he was talking to his landlord about renewing his rental contract, with his mum on call-waiting yelling at him to quit this DJing nonsense and get back into college at home to finish his hospitality degree.

But the monkey is quite pleasant all the same.

Plus, who goes to Shiva caring about whether the DJ is from the States or not. People who go to Shiva want to know one thing: are you going to be in that stall much longer or what, buddy. Time is money.

***



Dunno why Caliburger shut down. It was always like this when I went. Just bitches and burgers as far as they eye could see. Exactly like this.

I mean, it's not like it was a linoleum-lined cell of despair suspended in a eternal, timeless purgatory with 9,000 employees yelling "HELLO" at you every two seconds like a torture ripped right from the pages of Greek fucking mythology, right?

***



Western people feel so superior to Chinese people on the live music front because we grew up with rock music and stuff and we think that Chinese people don't know anything about it. But these guys came and played to crowds of thousands in four major Chinese cities. I have absolutely no idea who they are and neither do you.

If I had to guess, this is the reunion tour for henchmen numbers 5 through 8 from The Bourne Supremacy.

***



NAH BRAH.

MUNCHIES, HOMELAND, WANK, BED.

***



Hey everybody, feel free to play this game at home. I'll start: Apparently his cock is telling us the part details.

Now you try!

I see you there, Mattia! He's like the Kurt Cobain of this bad flyer shit.

***



ENOUGH AOKI. FUCK. TAKE A BREAK, GUY.

***



Sometimes there can be too much truth in advertising. I mean, of course, you gotta dress it up at least a little bit, you know. But, yeah, this is about the state of it. This is what goes on. Most audiences for local shows in Shanghai are made up of a single English teacher woo girl screaming her lungs out at the band.

But at least they're super honest about it.

"If you come see us play, our alky co-worker is going to talk to you about how the band sounds like Foster the People all night long and breathe her puke breath all over you. Our demo is at the merch table at the front."

***



You clever bitches!

***



Never in the history of everything has a flyer more accurately depicted the purest, most undiluted core essence of Shanghai nightlife than this one right here. This is exactly it. It's like fucking Nostradamus photoshopped this fucker right here himself. Look at this scene: this is the entire SmartShanghai dating section achieving sentience, forcing themselves into our reality, and then ripping it up in a club that looks like a spaceship designed by a drag queen.

For your consideration, ladies and gentlemen: I give you Shanghai.

*drops mic*

***

Hey everyone! Just kidding! Listen to this song!

Please install Flash Player

Luv u! Have a good holiday!

TELL EVERYONE

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  • Chachy

    Man, Morgan, what the fuck? Lake of Tears, man! Their first 7" was fucking epic and White Limo's live show...legendary.

  • Swirlcore

    This is what I look forward to the most every year. Thanks Morgan.

  • moneyinabox

    Always appreciated, Morgan. :)

  • chachachow

    Good laughs on a Thursday afternoon Morgan.
    Shangers needs you back!

  • razzzzz

    Love your vibe, pal. It's like, radical AND tubular all rolled into one! Like a radubular or something.

    I feel... I dunno... like I've finally accomplished something meaningful.

  • luchito

    last one just killed me...it just represents what is wrong with this city hahahaha

  • Double Xiong

    You should do a quick round-up of the worst Beijing- and Shanghai-generated fliers pushing generic 2012 parties.

    If society does collapse tomorrow/today/whenever, it'll be due to a server crash caused by the fuckton of these cruddy, desperate press releases feting these idiotic chaos parties.

  • psinology

    Morgan, as always, funny as hell.

  • theweatherman

    Where's Ruby's club? I'm off.

  • robjamdj

    Good stuff apart from that bullshit about house music Morgan. If you tucked your hair behind your ears you might be able to hear it better and say it was good. That Stockholm flyer looks like Thierry Henry in a USA shirt or am i missing something.

  • robjamdj

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a1zN-oLCKo4

    Morgan, this stuff is classic...

  • giulialap

    Come BACK!!!! I miss the Shanghai Nightlife newsletter so much. Beijing? NO. Shanghai? SI. Perfavore.

  • rob.r

    @robjamdj - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1968_Olympics_Black_Power_salute

  • jeffdolan

    Writing like this is what makes the Shanghai expat scene authentic.Thanks :)

  • CharlieD

    MUNCHIES, HOMELAND, WANK, BED.

    THIS

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