Area: Down a Donghu Lu alley, the one that runs next to the gaudy neon seafood hot pot joint. That's lane number 56, and it's on the same side of Donghu Lu as el Willy and the stretch of all-you-can-eats, and two minutes away from the Mansion building (88, Cantina Agave, Tsui Wah, etc.). The Monkey Lounge is behind the completely anonymous black door with a small etched monkey-philosopher print and an electronic keypad, and you gotta buzz to get it in. BECAUSE IT'S A SECRET BAR. Shhhh.

What it is: Oh, you know, just your average clandestine bar-club-lounge. What! It's the secret Volar, the underground Bling, the prohibition Richy... Basically, it's a (mostly) hip-hop, ABC speakeasy with Philip Starck-ish design. It's only the coolest, most secret place to drink super-premium whisky and 88rmb vodka cocktails with lavender syrup, and eat caviar & blini at three in the morning. But you're not supposed to know about it, BECAUSE IT'S A SECRET.

Actually, it's more Volar than cheesy club, but it's only a few dice games and crewcuts away, really. Cocktail menu is short and sweet, top-shelf and all doubles, and all 88rmb. Fruity stuff, lovely for the ladies. You've got the Spicy Monkey (belvedere, watermelon, cranberry, chili pepper), Lavender 75 (bombay, prosecco, fresh lemon, lavender syrup), and OTHER SECRET COCKTAILS. What else is on this menu here... Let's see...

You've got your "bubbles", of course. Seven kinds: a prosecco, Chandon, the Veuve, Dom, two rosés. You've got your seventeen kinds of super-premium whisky that, not counting the Johnnie Blue, start at 90 smackers (nine of them in the triple digits, four at 200rmb plus). You've got four relatively inexpensive wines, and then top-shelf spirits, and one beer -- Hoegaarden. The beer isn't on the menu, because, you know, it's a SECRET. The Monkey Lounge doesn't want frazzled beer drinkers. Oh, and then you've got your "small plates": caviar & blini, foie gras terrine, hand-cut steak tartare, "black label" sliders, crispy frog legs, etc...

Atmosphere: Looks like the Volar people lost a lot of money, but had all this bar-lounge-club-whatever decor and equipment left over, and decided to set up something secret, where, you know, their creditors wouldn't find them. That's not really what happened, but it feels like it. It's Philip Starck-ish in parts, with a monkey-philosopher theme, airy ceilings, heavy velvet curtains, some lady in a Napoleon-jacket with epaulets and golden rope, a couple of curious Greco-Roman columns shooting up here and there... It's just this side of a fancy Chinese "cool" club.

It feels like Hong Kong.

Damage: It's expensive. That's the point.

Who's going: A. B. C. The Monkey Lounge is, so far, like a Chinese-American group conference. Some rich guys with fancy glasses and expensive sweaters in there too, nattering away in Cantonese.

And hopefully, after this article, hordes and hordes of loud and obnoxious white people. Was this supposed to be a secret, guys? Sorry about that.