Every since the very first Christmas, 14 AD or so, cherub-faced, pot-bellied German children would gather in the kitchen pantries of their hobbit hole homes to craft little houses entirely made out of ginger cookies, decorating them delicately and with much deliberation with icing and candies the colors of a rainbow shattering on the Rhine. It was believed, at the time, that the houses would ward off the evil forests spirits, trolls, and Krampuses, who endeavored to pluck the teeth out of the children's heads at night with rusty and gnarled pliers while they slept soundly in their beds.

Or whatever the fuck, man. C'mon. It's Friday. Like 6pm. Have you seen how long the entry for "gingerbread houses" is on Wikipedia? So I made a gingerbread house! Get off my back! Yes, it was wicked! Yes, I'll will tell you about it! Click the jump! Legend.

*** For the holiday season, my favorite cookie delivery service Strictly Cookies (Yah!) is delivering gingerbread house kits to the people of Shanghai to construct, lovingly and brimming with holiday spirit, on their own. They cost 225rmb and you can order them right here. "Our Gingerbread Kit includes four gingerbread men and gingerbread house pieces, plus icing for both sticking the house together and popping on some festive decorations. Each kit includes a tub of gumdrops, mini marshmallows, candy cane bits, dark chocolate, and red, white and green Christmas-y candies. But don’t stop there! We’ve had people send us pictures of their Pocky covered Gingerbread Houses, so get creative! It’s the perfect kit for a fun cocktail hour, team building, kids, bored but proactive adult kids, gifts, creative lunching/munching, you name it!" Sounds pretty sweet huh? Let's do it. Comes in a package like this... ...and unfolds like some full-on German Krampus Christmas magic into this: You've got the building materials, the icing glue, the decorations, and several gingerbread mans or men to populate the house. So yeah. Let me stop you right here. Hold on now. Hold on. I can explain. I've never done this before. I played a lot of Nintendo when I was a kid so my hand-eye coordination is such that I can probably level a small village in Iraq with a drone strike like nobody's business (i.e. the UN's) but my actual hands-on craft skills are not so great. My hands are shaky. I'm carrying a lot of guilt. Guilt for I've forgotten what. I'm backing up here and starting with something a little less pressure. Decorating the little gingerbread brahs. I used to work at the Dairy Queen in Canada, icing the cakes (true story), so this really took me back to a very exciting and lucrative time in my life. Hey brahs. Glad you could make it. Looking great. Looking slick. That one is missing a leg because it got eaten. Couldn't wait. And yes! The gingerbread is very delicious! Thumbs up on the taste for sure. I could break it down for you in another 3000 words in professional food criticism lingo but consider it my Christmas present to you that I won't do that. Back onto the house. It's pretty much three steps. Attach the sides, wait for an hour for it to set. Attach the roof, wait an hour for it to set. And then decorate how you want. Listening to your heart. Hehe. Yes! Just sort of teasing my materials here and bringing the soul out. Something spiritual is happening. Something... Christmas-y. Ta-da! At this point, I'd like to say that this was a team effort from the SmartShanghai office, so the blame and fault is shared by all who work here. SmSh feels the shame! Happy holidays, y'all! Stictly Cookies Gingerbread house kit is wonderful. Order yours today right here.