*** Houhai is a lake right smack dab in the middle of Gulou. It's a lovely little water body that people go hang out at, take pictures in front of, fish in, or barf into when they've had too much to drink at one of the fine, fine liquor establishments that dot the shoreline. But did you know you can swim in it too? Check this out: Apparently, during the warmer summer months, the older, retired generation of Gulou residents gets up at the crack of down, swims around in Houhai for a bit, and then drifts out to the island in the center of the lake to play Mahjong all day, and just generally roost around the thing like a bunch of crazy old Chinese Benjamin Buttonses. Yes. That's the rumor. That's what I've heard. Obviously, I had to verify this. Obviously, I had to get the scoop. Obviously, I had to swim out there and check this island out for myself. Here it is: So I hired a local guide to take me out to Houhai Island. This is him: Apparently, his family has been swimming these waters for generations, dating back to Empress Dowager Cixi times. He was really knowledgeable about the surrounding areas, and just generally an affable and puckish sort of fellow. Like Huckleberry Finn, if Huckleberry Finn dressed like rough trade and had just done a huge ripper off a gravity bong. It's a bit nerve-racking, swimming in a lake that's in the center of a massive city. Especially if that massive city happens to be Beijing. Like what if my leg gets bitten off by a fucking radiated mutated rainbow shark with ten lazer eyes? Or worse yet, what about if I'm swimming and I see like a log of shit float right passed my face! I would die! I WOULD DIE. I think I would go into prophylactic shock and then just start screaming until my head exploded. Ka-BOOM. But the mystery was too enticing to ignore. It's was just too enticing. I had to find out what this island was all about. Actually, I felt a bit like Tintin in that regard. Tintin is always doing stuff like this, solving mysteries and whatnot. TINTIN AND THE CURSE OF MAHJONG ISLAND TINTIN AND THE MYSTERY OF THE SWIMMING OLDS *** The nuts and bolts of this thing are thus: Anyone can swim in Houhai. It doesn't cost anything. They've got a little section of the lake set up for it. They even have a lifeguard. Here he is reading up on the latest CPR and water safety techniques just released by the World Health Organization: Oh, wait. Now that I'm looking at the picture, it's just some guy with his keys around his neck. Fuck, I thought that was a whistle. Scratch that, no lifeguard. But, still, they have an area set up for swimming. There's some benches set up across from a set of stairs leading down into the lake. You leave your stuff there and the lifeguard will watch it, relying on the honor system that no one will steal your shit, and hop on in. And how's the water, you ask! Lovely! Absolutely lovely. Temperature is great. It's cool and refreshing without being too hot or too cold. It's perfect. In all sincerity, it's really, really nice. What about garbage or whatever grossness floating in it, you ask! There wasn't any in this swimming section. They clean it. Looks like they do a pretty good job too. There was nary an empty water bottle or cigarette butt to be seen. There's definitely some kelp and vegetation floating around, and that's why they have this guy scooping it all up. It's like a water Zamboni. How deep is it, you ask! Man, you think I'm going to be searching out the bottom of Houhai with my bare feet, are you fucking crazy? *** So the island. It's about 100 meters from the shoreline. A pretty easy swim. I wrapped my camera in about 20 plastic bags and swam on out. Drum roll. Here's what you see when you get there: Haha. No, just kidding. This is what's there: Just a lil' slab of land, leafy and green. It's about 20-square-meters, with a pagoda in the middle. Was expecting to see reverse Lord of the Flies with Gulou old timers reconstructing the rules of society around the nuances of Mahjong but it was pretty much empty. Just a few other swimming bros hanging out... ...and some ducks. The ducks flew away before I could take a picture of them so here's one from the internet. We tried to explore into the island a bit more. But this guy... ...apparently King Shit of the Island, wouldn't let us into the gazebo area because we'd swam up to it. You have to take a boat if you want to chill in there. Huh. He was a nice enough dude but we still had to protest the fact that we were barred entry. Here's my guide doing a classic lie-in protest on the banks of the island. You're crucifying our morning swim, man! This injustice cannot stand, man! Alas, t'was to no avail. Guess the old people take boats out. That makes more sense. Apparently, they really do host Mahjong tournaments, though. Just not on the day we showed up. But I imagine this pagoda must be the balls for Mahjong players. Best table in the land, right in the middle of Beijing, right in the middle of the lake. Pretty sweet. With little else to do, we rounded out the morning doing some homoerotic art photography. If you are a gallery owner and you would like to exhibit my work, please get in touch. I call this piece Footprints in the Water, Chest Hair Eternal. *** A Few Tips -Bring your shower shoes. Shower shoes are IN in a really big way right now. -I've got long, luxurious hair -- not unlike the Archangel Gabriel -- and thus I was having a bit of a problem with the kelp getting tangled up in my long, luxurious hair. If you've got long, luxurious hair like me, bring a swimming beanie to protect your long luxurious hair. -Hey, plan to shower off right after you swim. Because. Well, you know. Even the other dudes swimming there had water bottles and were dumping them on their heads when they were finished with their swim. *** So that's it. Swimming in Houhai. You should do it. Don't worry a about bilharzia* or whatever. Doesn't cost anything and the water's delicious! I did it and I haven't experienced any... NIt40tugb4309yuhn... gah... ooooohhhh... aaaaarrrtrrrgggg....* *** On finding the swimming part: Go to East Shore Jazz, walk around the lake on that side for about 30 meters. The stairs are on your right. *SmartBeijing assumes no responsibility should readers swim in Houhai and contract bilharzia, turbo AIDS, or crazy-ass microbes that eat your brain.