Well Come On Down, To The Biggest Sam's Club In China!

Sam’s Club just opened a 70,000 square meter big box castle in northeast Pudong – Waigaoqiao. That’s bigger than many megachurches, yet smaller than most airports. According to the press release, this Sam’s is full of surprises and life-changing products and experiences. To spread the word, they’ve purchased one product you can’t find at Sam’s Club: sponsored content.

We tried to make this entertaining for you, reader, so we created the first-and-probably-last-ever Super Mega Sam’s Club Treasure Hunt.

What surprises await at the Sam’s Club Flagship Store? Come on down! Let’s find out.  

Biggest Chocolate Bar

This Toblerone weighs 4.5 kilos and contains 23,800 calories. It’s a great item to bring in your flight carry-on, because if your plane crashes, you can maybe survive on this for several weeks.

Most-Likely-Impulsive-Purchase

For 200rmb, I seriously considered it. Look out for this on SmartShanghai Buy-And-Sell soon.

Most Expensive Piano

Perfect for dropping on haters.

Coolest Car in the Parking Lot

Sam’s Club has an “Intelligent Parking Lot” that we wandered around. We searched for Corvettes and signs of intelligence, but all we found were a bunch of Teslas and this statement of a whip.

Most Fashion Item

You’re not going to find any “funny” clothing at Sam’s. No sequins or T-shirts with lines like “I Brought Sexy Back.” It’s pure Midwest-American-Outlet-Core. That said, they do have Timbs and some conservative onesies. Timbs for the win.

Scariest Dinosaur

National Geographic really came correct with their display.

Cutest Product

Imagine the look on your loved one’s face when they open the bathroom door and see this thousand dollar bear statue grilling them in the face. Speaking of polar bears, I wish Sam’s sold those Icee drinks. Those were good.

Nicest-Smelling Plant

Two-pack of Basil and Rosemary. Quiet and natural. Not loud.

Quickest Way To Gain Weight

So many options for this category, but full cakes are probably the most efficient road to gainz. They have tiramisu cakes, red-velvet cakes, and the ones pictured above are the cakes that stole our Shanghai hearts in 2020, the burnt basque cheesecake. 

Largest Block of Cheese

It is just a large block of cheese.

Freshest Meats

We still don't know where to get imported cuts of quality steak for less than half the price you'd find downtown. Where does meat come from? Sam's Club! They have tons of options, including dry-aged U.S. Prime Beef, all at hard-to-beat prices. Also! They also have American bacon.

Something I’d Eat When I Don’t Wanna Cook

They've got rotisserie chickens and lots of other fresh, ready-to-eat foods like schweinshaxe, gargantuan salads, and sandwich platters.

Most Colossal Lobster

This guy from Boston. Remember that episode of Garfield and Friends, “Maine Course”, where Jon buys a lobster, but then he and Garfield both feel too bad to boil the lobster, so they decide to keep him as a pet? They named him Therm. And then they made a saltwater bath for Therm to live in, but Therm got homesick and refused to eat, so Jon and Garfield bought plane tickets to Maine and let him go into the ocean. That was a cool episode.

Best Baijiu Set For Gatherings

We have several baijiu categories in the Super Mega Sam’s Club Treasure Hunt. This set is good to bring to an event where some people are more important than others, so you give them bigger bottles, but then you don’t want anyone to feel left out, so you give them a smaller bottle.  

Most Sophisticated Baijiu Bottle

Something about this orange Niu Nian just subtly signals good taste. It’s like pulling up in a Cobra instead of a Lambo. 1985 was a fantastic year.

Most Lavish Baijiu

Probably the most expensive item in all of Sam’s, if we’re not counting the NIO dealership on the first floor.

Oldest Non-Human

The Supremes – “You Can’t Hurry Love” was a number one song the year that this whisky was born. Love that song.

Nicest Craft Beer Six-Pack

Coming in at 16.5rmb per can. Solid deal.  

Coolest Attempt at Total Market Domination

Can’t knock the hustle.  

Most Relaxed Joggers

The crypto-trader's preferred attire

Trippiest Cat-Food Brand

If this cat tries to tell me that Vulfpeck is a good band one more time, we’re gonna have serious problems.

Most Unnecessary Pet Product

Sam’s doesn’t have Greek yogurt. They sell yogurt for cats.

Cheapest Hearing Test

You gotta wake up pretty early to beat that price.

Most Irritating Mascots

This is the camp I’m trying to stay away from at Dragon Burn. 

The Rarest Produce

The Matsutake Mushroom is the most expensive mushroom in the world. Must be good for something.

Most Surprising Product, Part 1

I felt pretty surprised.

Most Surprising Product, Part 2

I was definitely surprised.

What I’d Probably Buy If I Were Faded

Obviously Troli by the kilo.

I Bought These And Don’t Regret It

They’re calling me from the kitchen right now.

Most Nostalgic Product

Remember the F1?? Remember?!

Biggest Bag of Snacks

Also good for hiding behind. Very popular item these days. 

What’s In My Cart?

Two tubs of cat litter, around 2kg of Ocean Grounds coffee, two jars of peanut butter pretzels, Belgian chocolate, some soda crackers made with New Zealand butter, dried blueberries, dried cranberries, and some black pepper. Just over 1000rmb.

Dinner By The Deli

Boy, all that shopping and treasure hunting sure worked up an appetite. Luckily there’s a big Sam’s Deli.

True, there is no seating area whatsoever, but everyone found a place next to the plastic plants or just ate out of their shopping cart.

Dining out of my shopping cart really lent a street-food kind of authenticity to the whole experience. Give it a try! Though... this is a limited time deal. Cart eating that is. They'll be bringing in seating in the near future. 

Epilogue

What did I learn? Well, a lot of people are fine with normal-sized Toblerone. But some of us just dream bigger, and there’s a club for us – a place where we can eat fresh Matsutake in our Dickies and Timbs, drink rare baijius, and drop pianos on the haters as we lounge in our castles in the sky. Life is better in the club.