. Illustration by Francine Yulo *** Sometimes I’ll be wheeling my kid around Jing'an, and all of a sudden, an Ayi pushing her grandkid around in some boss-looking Bugaboo Chameleon gets super curious about my Foreign Ways. This city is all about status, so Ayi will guess my profession, wage, background, social class, and why my hot young wife has married me, simply based on the kind of stroller I'm rolling with. It's like palm-reading. Given that I’m brown, clearly not Chinese, and my son is riding dirty in a McLaren, she has decided that I’m a Sri Lankan student renting a 400 dollar apartment, that I make around 900 bucks a month, and that my wife married me for my boyish charm and certainly not my money (or lack thereof). That last part is actually correct. Shanghai is one of the world’s biggest luxury markets, so having the best of the best is for many an essential facet of life, and strollers are no exception. God forbid your neighbor's kids are chilling in a Britax B-Agile in slick black, and all you got is a Graco Spree Classic. Shit! You may as well throw that junk in trash where it belongs, and just kick your kid down the street like a soccer ball. Buying a stroller out here is like buying a car -- people know the actual model. So sometimes it’s not enough to just rock a fly stroller. People are still like, "oh, you’re in the InStep Ultra Runner Jogging Stroller. Hmmm, I like the light grey, it’s cute. We bought the Baby Trend Expedition Jogger Jogging Stroller & Car Seat Travel System. I was gonna get it in grey, but according to science, babies respond better to green." Damn! As you're wheeling away, your lady’s all pissed off cause you didn’t get the "green", cause you know, "science". Behind you, you hear the family whisper, "shit is weeeeeaaaak". But with the right stroller, you can pretty much say, "Ayi, please… Look at this Evenflo Lightweight Eurotek Travel System -- you know I print RMB". (BTW, Eurotek’s not a real alloy, I checked. You can’t just make shit up Evenflo!) But I remain committed to my modest stroller. It’s no Benz or Ferrari -- it’s more akin to a Honda Civic: reliable, easy to park / store, simple, and easy to drive. Plus, if I add a cheap spoiler, some shitty subs, and mirror tints, my half-Asian-half-Brown baby can join his fully-Brown and fully-Asian friends in a Tim Horton's parking lot, listen to Drake, and smoke his first joint. I bought my stroller based on price and relative comfort. For 2500rmb (or about 400 bucks) I picked up my McLaren with an additional leopard–print seat cover. I was proud of my purchase, until I rolled my baby out of the shop for the first time, and noticed that he was vibrating more than the marital aids which helped spawn his existence. I made an error that left my baby ill-equipped for the rugged streets of Shanghai. My shitty little McLaren wheels suck. So, in retrospect, things to consider when buying a stroller: Terrain: You gotta have the right wheels for the right streets. If I lived anywhere with cobblestone streets my kid might actually have brain damage. Sun: I got the bonnet to cover him from above. But if I’m pushing him against the sun, I have to put a blanket over the top to shield his baby eyes. It looks mad ghetto, and it’s super annoying when the wind blows it away. Comfort: This could mean breathable fabrics or cool mesh linings, rain protection, a reclining seat, pullover covers, and whatever else you think you need to give your baby a nice ride. Convenience: One thing my McLaren’s good for is convenience. It's light and folds up easy, and it’s one big piece, so I don’t need to remove anything when I’m folding it up. It fits nicely in the trunk or backseat of a car, it’s easy to hold and push, and it’s light enough to carry up and down stairs with my baby in it. Plus there’s a ton of little pockets where you can put shit. Style: You’ve gotta push that shit around for three years, so you may as well look good doing it. The stroller game runs deep. You’re going to have to live with your stroller decision for three years, so choose wisely. For my Shanghai brethren, cast aside the shackles of social hierarchy, ignore your neighbor's Benz, and remember -- as long as you get your kid from point A to point B in relative safety, you're on the right track. And for the rest of you new parents out there, lest not we succumb to the sin of stroller-envy, regardless of how dope that Bugaboo really is. There's nothing wrong with riding ghetto-fab in a McLaren, as long as you get the right wheels for the road.
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