Hey Shanghai, looking so good out of lockdown, out there on the streets, prancing and dancing in the sunshine, with your newfound zest for life.
But maybe your life has been shattered into a million pieces by the ordeal and you need some help getting it all together again. Maybe? Perhaps? Sound like you? Here's a bunch of links to solutions to a bunch of problems you might be having.
As the divine and holy Cindy Lauper once said: "If you can't go one way, there's many ways to get where you're going."
Here's a contact for a divorce lawyer.
There is absolutely no better way to celebrate your new lease on life than by gifting yourself and your loved one a good and proper divorce to start things out on the right foot. We humbly pass on this contact for a divorce lawyer based in Shanghai to see if a one-size-fits-all, no fuss, no muss divorce is right for you and yours.
(It really is.)
Work troubles? Talk to these people about labor laws.
If you getting grief re: contract disputes, salary cuts, or whatever else job-related, you better call Jin Wang Associates. Always introduce lawyers into the situation. That's like rule 1 of this modern life. Lawyer the hell up, man.
Issues with your landlord?
Landlord being a prick bastard swine, blight on the planet, bottom-feeding, ass-dragging parasite-villain, drain on society? Again: lawyers.
First lawyers, then guillotine. That's the progression you want to stick to. Mylink Law Office has experience in dealing with rental contract disputes.
Flatmate moving away?
That's sad. Such is life. Cosmic ballet. You'll keep in touch. MySpace... ICQ... Friendster...
Check the SmartShanghai Housing Listings and post your vacancy therein.
Get rid of that stuff you got while trying to do a new lockdown hobby.
Buy and sell all manner of things useful and useless on SmartShanghai's Buy & Sell section. Coming soon: the glassblowing kit that I got for lockdown.
Yeah, THAT whole thing didn't exactly pan out.
Give up the ghost and get the FFFF out of China.
Quitting is the number one most underrated thing you can do in life. All my happiest memories are of quitting something. It's the best. I can't overemphasize this.
If it's your time to quit China, check out SmartShanghai's Relocation Section for tips and services and stuff.
Need to store a bunch of crap before you figure out what to do with it?
"YouYouSpace is a moving, relocation and self-storage service company has a mom and pop feel with great, personalized service." They've been around for over 10 years, have their own packers, movers and trucks, calling themselves a "door-to-door" service, which means they came and got all my lockdown glass blowing projects, no questions asked.
Find a new ayi.
If you need help literally cleaning up your damn life, check out Ayi Matchmakers. Kind of a romantic and suggestive sounding name; purely a professional ayi sourcing serving.
Properly clean your sheets, jackets, and carpets.
Some kinds of laundry is just too hard to do and is a gigantic pain in the ass, and no one should ever have to do it. Easy Life Laundry does all that bullshit category laundry stuff you can't and shouldn't be expected to do, like c'mon now.
Improve your air and water situation in your apartment.
Remember that time you boiled water during lockdown because you ran out of the Nongfu? Listen, you want heavy metal on your playlist, not in your drinking water. Greenwave China has all your home clean air and water needs sorted.
Get rid of termites and bugs in your apartment.
Pony Pest comes and takes care of your unwanted houseguests. Not you, Dave, you're good.
Bug, rats, critters, and so on. Not you Dave, really.
Sure, stay forever.
Find a new job.
"Man, so many people have left, there's gonna be tons of high paying jobs now."
Maybe? Could be? Might be true? Check out the SmartShanghai Jobs section to capitalize on this crazy situation.
Shut down your business.
More quitting. Trust me: Never not a good thing. Talk to EBusiness Prime about the best way to go about shutting down operations the right way.
Need a vet?
Doctors Beck & Stone is a good one. They're so good and friendly my cats even look forward to going there.
No they don't, they scream in abject terror for about 20 minutes before settling into a more forlorn and guttural mewling for the rest of the trip. They're the worst. Useless beasts. But if they gotta go, they gotta go.
Need a haircut?
Contesta Rock Hair is back open and they're fully booked until this coming Monday. I've never been because I'm worried we have different tastes in what "rock" is and I'd walk out of there with some kinda overwrought Dave Navarro-looking situation.
But I've heard good things and not only from people who are banal Red Hot Chilli Peppers guitarists.
Need a waxing?
If you still have even one misplaced hair on your body you are screwing up 2022 more than THEY ever did. You have yourself to blame, you damn hairy gorilla. Go get a wax at The Strip.
Get a tattoo?
Ya, you should get that tattoo. Do it. I've never ever seen a bad tattoo, only tattoos that bring different varieties of joy to different varieties of people, depending on their relative position to the tattoo in question. Check out Temple Tattoo for your permanent inking needs.
Trim that beard.
Ironic beards are done, my dude. It's over. The dream is over. Put down the tallboy, call Doc's, and get that shit dealt with. And take off that Arcade Fire shirt, man, c'mon, I can't even hang with you right now.
Stock up on groceries.
How many of these are there? 20?
Groceries, what? Man, I'm DONE with groceries. I'M DONE.
But if I wasn't I'd go to Sam's Club to get groceries.
There you go! Life: fixed.