Legend basketball player and the greatest actor of his generation Shaquille O'Neal has a soda beverage out there in the world called SHAQ SODA and it's available for purchase in Beijing. Yes, you're absolutely right: FUCKING GAME CHANGER. But where might one find this delectable import? At one of the city's tested and true Western imports supermarkets? Nope, you LOSE, Jenny Lou's. SO LAME, uh... April Gour-LAME. It's available right here, at *mumbleblahmumblemumble* No. 8 in Ju'er Hutong. That's the imported treats and soda shop across from that Hanting that everybody in the universe stays at and this somewhat ass Thai restaurant. Look at it on the shelf, dwarfing all the other carbonated libations like so many watery Mugsy Bouges'seses. Shaq Soda is a real thing in the States, a partnership between the critically acclaimed rapper and the Arizona Iced Tea Company, who, it must be said, do make some pretty righteous iced teas. For Shaq Soda, there's four flavors available -- Vanilla, Orange, Blueberry, Strawberry -- all variations of cream soda. Each depicts a different Shaq facial expression, representing the entire gamut of emotions I went through on discovering its existence. They sell for 99 damn cents in the States and in Beijing, they were... fuck, I forgot to write it down but I bought all three available flavors with a crisp hundo bill and had enough change to re-up on a Twix bar as well, A.K.A. The Best Chocolate Bar in The Universe. But, dude, if you're gonna nickel and dime me over how much SHAQ SODA costs, then maybe SHAQ SODA IS NOT FOR YOU. Sorry. Oh, wait. Here it is. 15 kuai. Huh! Not bad! Recognize, it's a 23.5-ounce can, and there's like, straight-up, four pounds of sugar in this thing. IT'S A BIG CAN FOR THE BIG MAN. Incidentally, I can't recommend *mumbleblahmumblemumble* No. 8 in Ju'er Hutong enough for your cream soda needs. They've got all kinds of zany shit in there. It's run by this very nice lady, who I've taken to calling The Cream Soda Lady Galadriel of Ju'er Hutong. She comes from a long line of cream soda vendors that date all the way back to the Ming Dynasty, A.K.A. The Mummy 3 staring Jet Li. She's like 7 generations deep in the cream soda game. I asked her where she found this wonderful Shaq Soda, by Jove, but I couldn't understand what she was saying because she was speaking in ancient Elvish or something. Doesn't matter. It's here and she's got three of the four flavors. Enough of your damn prattle. Are these shits tasty or what? How can you be so skeptical, man. It's not like... ...Shaquille O'Neal has ever... ...let him name and likeness be used... ...on an inferior product. *shudder* Shag-FU! Uhhh... bad memories. Bad, bad memories. But yeah, I tried all three of the available flavors. It's... different than what you'd expect. There's very little carbonation in them and the fruit flavoring comes on you at the back-end, after the liquid goes down your throat. It's almost subtle for Christ's sake. And, yeah, the fruit flavoring itself was pretty indistinguishable, although I'm willing to surmise that I've still got Heaven steak taste in my mouth. It's more like iced tea or an energy drink than a fizzy cream soda. A bit disappointing. I know: shocker. So, I decided to take it around the corner to 8-Bit to dump a bunch of vodka in them. Here's some SHAQ SODAS playing man defense with a bunch of vodka! Definite improvement. With the ice and vodka. Had to let it sit for a while, but in the end it was damn near drinkable. At this point, there was zero carbonation and it was a bit like drinking a vodka spritzer, if such a thing exists. But, oh man, after three SHAQ SODAS and a bunch of vodka, oh boy, I had a lil' tummy ache! Yes I did! My stomach felt like I... ...consumed a big bag of marbles and poutine whilst mid-barf. ...ate an entire Russian child's birthday party. ...devoured Shaquille O'Neal himself -- all of him -- honey glazed. *** So that's it. Mixed bag for sure. But, take a knee, Beijing -- I'm still going to go ahead and recommend SHAQ SODA anyways, purely for the man's face on the can alone. Look at that joie de vivre. My friends, there's something that just feels so right about slamming a big Shaq Soda at sunset in the Beijing hutongs. Just crushing the shit out this thing called modern life! Crushing it! *** That No. 8 store is in Ju'er Hutong next to this restaurant and across from this restaurant. Opening hours is... I don't know... look in your heart. They're open pretty late. Coming down Ju'er from Jiaodaokou Nandajie it's maybe a 7 minute walk.