Breaking news in THINGS THAT ARE TOTALLY AWESOME. Mini Cars are available to us all. Right now. Today. Check it: I'll stop you right there. They cost 33,800rmb. Doesn't even matter. Here's more pictures of Mini Cars. *** What's the most awesome thing you can imagine? A hoverboard made of rice crispy squares? A firehose that shoots Skittles and diamonds? A pet hippogriff that grants wishes and makes tacos? The Lord of the Rings? My friends, add Mini Cars to that list. And they're available for purchase right now in Sanlitun Soho, which is quickly becoming the hottest place in town now that it has BOTH Mini Cars and drunken archery. A combo of Chinese and Italian pure geniusness, these things are from a car company called Dayang and they're called CHOK. I know you've got a thousand questions racing through your head right now. I'll do my best. I can barely think straight due to the sheer awesomeness. How do they run? Electricity. A big cord that looks like this: Plugs into this: It charges for 6 to 8 hours and then you can go for 150 kilometers. How fast can they go? 49mph. Do you need a license? You need a C3 license. Which I gather is a motorcycle license. This looks like some sort of official plate that you get. But also the sales guys told me that the cops would probably go easier on me because I'm a foreigner and I've got a nice face. 100% agree with that. The sales people were super nice. I think they were glowing. Like they came from the future, or directly from the most rad deity, whomever that may be. Every time they spoke to me all I could hear was the chorus of angels. Are they totally street legal and all that? Yeah, and apparently you can drive in the bike lanes as well! EFF YOU CYCLISTS! Mini, like, HOW Mini? How small are they? Two seats. Here's me standing next to one. Thanks. That's nice of you to say. You actually fit into one? Hey, screw you buddy, I just started going to the gym, okay? I'm working my cardio and my glutes and shit. (But yeah, I did, and it was like easing into a tub of warm pudding.) How do you operate them? Shifter goes drive, stop, reverse. There's a gas pedal and a brake pedal. There's a steering wheel. Then there's three buttons: hot air con, cool air con, windshield wipers. And a radio. (Oh yes.) That's it. Did you test drive one? Man, you think I'm like Icarus flying too close to the sun? I know better than that. That story is one of my favorite Iron Maiden songs. Morgan, buddy, holy shit, my head is exploding. Just give me the whole damn pitch already. So, Beijing is pretty big and crowded, and traffic is rough and, damn, there's just too many cars around out there already. Oh, and parking is hard. And it's so hard to get a new car yourself anyways, what with all the restrictions and stuff. So this is like a forward-thinking solution to that, I think. Now we have smaller cars that are also just mind-bogglingly rad. Plus, it's electricity so it's friendly to the environment. Or not, who cares. This dealership that sells them is this Dayang place that's in Sanlitun Soho. They have three outlets around Beijing. Apparently these CHOK models are really popular with older people and Middle Eastern diplomats. What? Middle Eastern diplomats? Dude, that's what they said. I don't know. They sell a lot of these to Middle Eastern diplomats in the embassy district. Yes, exactly, you've been hanging out with the WRONG DAMN CROWD. But yeah, it's 33,800rmb and they come is all colors of the rainbow. Like ALL colors of the rainbow. They look like God's Jolly Ranchers. The dealership also takes care of breakdowns if you have any. Hey, wait a second, aren't Mini Cars all over Beijing, available all over the place? Come on man, it's Friday, give me a break already. These are by far the sweetest ones on the road, you can't deny this. Anyway, UP YOURS, man, you don't own me! *** Mini Cars. I know they're expensive but just think how sweet would it be to own one of these things. You'd just be spreading joy wherever you went. Every day of your life would be like a permanent video game bonus round. I picture myself driving it through children's hospitals, brightening everyone's life up and curing cancer. It would definitely fit in the elevator... That's it! That's it! I can't take it anymore. We all need Mini Cars immediately! Oh, that's not enough for you? They also have Segways! AHFobngoa4wb584[8BTiub[B!{B!B!!!!!B!JB!J ngj g gg(979h! I'm hyperventilating! *** Dayang is in Sanitun Soho. It's on the street level to the right of the main entrance, with Uniclo at your back. Here's the address details.