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Game of Cones (Yes): The Goddamn 2014 Ice Cream Round-Up Thing

Game of cones! That's why I get the medium bucks, folks. You just can't beat deft word play like that. Hey, let's eat some ice cream already!
2014-04-14 16:43:09

Hello, my friends! Getcha hands up!

Brothers and sisters, we're back again with the yearly convenience store ice cream review thing, which I've realized, at this point, is my own personal Greek myth ironic Hades torture dealio that I will be personally enduring for all time.

No matter. I suffer gladly for you. In this life and the next.

But take note, kids! In choosing a university, don't go with a school whose most famous alumni is that local sportscaster guy in whose house they found all those children's bones! Listen to me, I'm speaking the truth. Do your research.

Now, my friends, unfortunately, I've decided to retire our ice cream rating system The Debra Index this year, as it's occurred to me that our love -- mine and Debra's -- perhaps flourishes more passionately away from the public eye (restraining order). Instead, I've located another icon of our times that symbolizes professionalism, accountability, and trust.

Yes, that's right, it's super intense pipe smoking guy from the mattress advertisements at the side of the highway, the sides of buses, and in janky elevator advertisements all over this fine land.

Professionalism. Accountability. Trust.

From the company website, we've learned that his name is "Mr. Morris (French)" and in addition to commanding a gaze so powerful it could rip your head right the fuck off (with quality), he's also world famous mattress designer guy like it's even a real thing.

The Morris Scale: Professionalism. Accountability. Trust.

All over your face.

Let's do thiiiiiis.


Suckfish Ice Waffle

Don't know how you guys feel about it but when I get ice cream, I love to be reminded of fish. Yes, a real strong "sense of fish" is what I want in an ice cream, like, hey, can't I get a flounder or a carp up in this frozen treat, because that would be just wicked. Anyway, Suckfish Ice Waffle is like an ice cream sandwich guy with a wafer exterior encompassing a straight-up re-frozen vanilla soft serve. Look at how animated Admiral Ackbar is on the bag, like "OH SHIT IT'S A TRAP."


Well, it's been hanging out for a while in the ice cream bin, I can tell you that. The wafer exterior tastes like the ghost of cardboard past and the vanilla interior is icy re-frozen blandness with a slight back-end of sugar kick. Back to the sea with this one.

Just one Mo Mo. Rack it.

Rating: 1 Mr. Morris


Happy Funtime Bullshit Strawberry Swirl

Okay, now we're talking. Now we're cooking with gas. Happy Funtime Bullshit Strawberry Swirl is a strawberry fruit juice-based treat (read: chemicals not of this earth), with a playful swirl finish that harkens back to a simpler time when 7-Eleven was just the place I bought weed out in front of rather than the house of horrors it is for me today.


Oooo. I like. Real zippy. It's kind of like Strawberry Kool-Aid mixed with "murky white flavor" Power Aid and then dipped in a sugary shellac kind of finish. I'm down with it. This one had me bouncing off the walls. It's like I almost don't even need to smoke crack anymore.


Rating: 2.5 Mr Morrisseesses


The Empress Dowager Cixi's Revenge

Our yearly entry into the category of ice creams that are probably educational or some shit is The Empress Dowager Cixi's Revenge here, which is a simple, yogurty little number that comes in some ancient and untranslatable parchment. The inscrutable runes on the front are probably a curse: "Let he who breaks the seal on this ice cream be damned to have an a pretty shit taste in his mouth for a good 25 minutes, muah!"


Damn, I'm pretty sure I forgot to register at the police station when I moved to Beijing. Am I fucked? Is that still something that you need to do?



Rating: .5 Mr Morai


Cantopop Dazzle Bar

These ones always make me nervous, the ones with like a really attractive Hong Kong movie star couple on the bag. Are these people even eating these, do you think? No. They're too busy banging it out in multi-million RMB penthouses and texting Karen Mok. Unless it's made out of shark's fin and Asian Movie Awards, they're not even bothering with it. That said, what we're dealing with here is a cylinder of choco-nougat and a jam top ensconced in layers and layers of vanilla soft serve, and rounded out with a chocolate dip finish.


If you've never taken a candle making class, basically what happens is you start with a simple string and you dip it in liquid wax, pull it out for a bit, air-dry it, and then re-dip it again. It's actually quite neat. You keep dipping and re-dipping this string in and layering the wax in this almost hypnotic process and, eventually, if you're careful and patient, you have this beautiful candle -- the culmination of this serene and methodical process of layering hot wax.

That's what this ice cream tastes like but instead of starting with a string, they started with a St Bernard's dick.

Rating: .5 Mr. Morriseys


Milkshakes in a Bag!

Was furiously rooting around the bin at the 7-Eleven, like a pig snorting out cocaine truffles, looking for those hard-to-reach ice creams, and I came across these two players: vanilla and banana milkshakes! Very nice. I took them up to the cash register auntie and she looked at them like they were precious diamonds like, oh shit, I didn't even know we had these! She had to call the home office. Didn't matter, I'd have paid anything. Basically, it's just milkshakes but they're served in super serious silver bag like they're astronaut steroids or something.


Righteous. Popped the tab on vanilla guy of them and sucked it back like mother's milk. Tasted like vodka and completing Ninja Gaiden II. I've really hit upon something here. I'm saving banana boy for later on tonight. Going to have it in the shower and just laugh and laugh.

Rating: 3.5 Mr. Moz'es, every day is like chocolate sundae!


Pangblahblah Chiffon Fucking Thing

I've seen my fair share of Project Runway and I always thought Chiffon is like a fabric or something. Isn't it a fabric? I don't know. Anyway, this thing is a Chiffon, which apparently means it's construction dirt and rusty old assholes frozen into a rectangle.


This ice cream's like every "Donnie Does" video ever.

I only made it about three seconds into it.

Rating: 1 Mr. Morris


Convenience Store Ham Boh Boh with Real Fake Ham, Oh DAMN

Yeah, I know, this guy isn't even an ice cream, but I've come to realize at this point in the game that my loyal ice cream review reading public isn't even really here for frozen confection edification, it's more about seeing me suffer through wack eating exercises on the internet in betwixt the checking of Facebook and Buzzfeed. Hey, that's fine. I can dig it. Want to know what the convenience store burger tastes like? Hey, I'll tell you.



Yeah, imagine! Stop the presses! The convenience store Ham Ham Boh-Boh tastes fucking wack. Damn, you know, this thing came right off the rack in the middle of the store? That means they're storing it at room temperature. It's being kept for multiple days at a time at room temperature. Opening it up, it smells like opening up a ziplock bag of nightmares. Shouldn't it be in the fridge? Shouldn't it be stored in the cold rack? I brought it to the front and they asked me if I wanted to microwave it. Uh, I don't fucking know? Yes? No? I can't think of any temperature this would be good at -- room temperature? Cold? Microwaved? I don't know.

Try burning it at the fucking stake.

I can't conceive of a temperature, between the deepest, darkest, coldest regions of the outer galaxy to the center of a red giant star going supernova, in which this thing wouldn't taste like a monkey's fist of meat misery.

Rating: Dude.


Nestle White Power Ball

Here's an interesting little number. Looks like blond pastry and vanilla ice cream, served up whiter than a Ku Klux Klan meeting at a Split Works concert.


Like polar bear breast milk.

No, I don't know, man. I'm still reeling from that Ham Boh Boh, I can't taste anything. That fucking thing was fighting me like holy jesus on the way down and now I feel like it's moving around in my stomach, like it's a womb or something. It's moving around in there, fighting me, and growing. I don't know what to do. Feel like I'm the kid in Battle Royale when his neck collar bomb starts going off. In 30 seconds I'm going to explode and cover a 15-foot radius in shit, bad ideas, and lost advertisers.

Rating: 1 Mr. Morris


Cool Guy Lame Pea Guy

The Pea Guy people have been reading my reviews every year, and they had this big conference meeting about what they can do to improve their stature on this, China's most important ice cream review survey. They spent millions of dollars in research and testing, retooled the whole operation, tested audience across the land, and did a lot of personal soul searching before a solution was finally reached:

They put some sunglasses on the pea guy.

Well played, Pea Guy people. Well played.


Well, yeah, I mean it still tastes like a stack of copper pennies that has been residing up someone's ass that's itself been sitting on the subway all day, but it's definitely a more hip vibe.


It's like the X-Games version of that maybe?

The X-Games ass pennies?



Haha, Fuck All Y'all I Got Some Hagan Daaazes!

Yeah, that's right. I got me some Hagan Daazzzz. Sweet! How you like me now!


Like wizard jizz!


Yes. Like the jizz of a wizard.


*cough* *cough*


Rating: 5 Full Morriseys, oh shit it's a Smiths reunion!



Hey, I don't know man, I'm not scrolling all the way back up. The winner is ME and YOU for getting up every damn day and reaching for the motherfucking stars!

Happy FridayMonday, you goons!


Want more you greedy so-and-so? Here's all the other ones: 2009; 2010; 2011; 2012; 2013.