*** One thing I love about living in Beijing is you get a New Year's Resolution do-over. Around December 31, I always say I'm going to get healthier. Cut down on the bad diet and boozing. And the rest of Beijing says, "Cool bro, we'll be at these 100 parties, chuanr afterwards, see ya." And I succumb. Then, around this time of year, I say the same thing, and the rest of Beijing goes, "True... I'm joining the program / going back to school / getting a colon flush in Thailand myself." So, ahead of New Year II, 2015, I availed myself of a three-day detoxifying cleanse offered by new Sanlitun healthy living one-stop-shop Juice by Melissa. That's three days of consuming nothing but superfood-packed juices. And the occasional cup of (decaffeinated detox) tea. It's pretty intense. Feels good though. ***

THE BASICS

A juice cleanse, or juice fast, is exactly what it sounds like. You abstain from eating any solid food, getting all of your nutrients from juiced fruits and veggies. For some people it's a weight loss thing, but the main reason for cleansing — trumpeted by JBM as well as similar cold-pressed superfood juice companies in the West — is to boost your body's immune and digestive systems by supercharging them with nutrients that help to naturally dispel built up toxins (toxins from the bad food we eat, toxins from the bad booze we drink, the bad air we breathe, etc). Melissa says it's about recalibrating your body pH with a strict balance of alkaline and acidic nutrient intake. It's a detox diet, so in addition to not eating, you're also not drinking any coffee or booze, smoking cigs, really putting anything in your body besides the juice. And some detox tea. Critics of juice cleansing write it off as a marketing ploy with little scientific data to back it up. But it's as much about the psychological detachment from eating processed foods and the consumption of clean, organic veg (Melissa sources all of her produce from organic farms from around the world) to sort of reset your palette and whole digestive tract. And for most people it's a severe calorie reduction, so there's that. Juice by Melissa offers a spread of different body- / diet- / occasion-specific cleanses (Bridal Cleanse, Man Cleanse, etc). Find the full list here. The standard juice cleanse length is three days, so I went for the incremental 1-2-3 immune system punch, starting with the basic Purification, rebooting with the Restoration on day two, and ending on JBM's most hardcore offering, the Transformation. Here's how it went... ***

DAY 1: PURIFICATION

So you order your 3-day cleanse online or in-store at least 24 hours in advance, and Day 1 will be ready the night before (you can either pick it up yourself or have it delivered for an extra fee). I picked up my Day 1 pack at last week's Farm to Neighbors market, where JBM has a stand. Looks like this: Cute bag, cute straws, six juices with numbered tops, some detox tea. Heads up: you want to keep these refrigerated. This is raw food. If you pick up in-store and you have a commute, JBM will provide you with some ice packs for the road. But yeah, otherwise you're pretty much tethered to your fridge for the majority of the day. Six juices per day, so one every two hours or so. Let's do this. I usually skip breakfast. I hear it's a pretty important meal but I'm just not usually hungry in the mornings. Probably my stomach's alert mechanisms have been desensitized by a solid decade of black coffee, first thing. But I'm making an effort to reset that whole pH situation so I go for Juice 1/6 about 30 minutes after I get up. Lean Greens: spinach, cucumber, apple, lemon, parsley. Tasty! Smells like parsley. Tastes like lemon / apple. I choose this straw because I'm a big Yayoi Kusama fan. I nurse this one because I'm not feeling very hungry. Fast forward an hour. Definitely feeling hungry now. I pop the top on bottle number 2, Pineapple Glow: pineapple, apple, mint. Fucking delicious! Heavy on the mint, very fresh. You can see bits of it floating in the juice, the granular element is actually kind of nice. The closest I'll come to consuming solid food for a while I guess. Just enough pineapple to add flavor without overpowering with acidity. Have to assume Melissa's watching the pH on this pretty carefully. And there's apple in it. Apple juice is like the definition of "classic." Pound this one pretty quickly because I'm real hungry and it tastes very good. I wait out the two hours this time. I'm confining myself at home to avoid the temptations and food smells of Beijing. Meal 3 is another Lean Greens... tastes sweeter this time for some reason. I think after three days my taste buds will work differently. By that I mean, work. Potentially awkward side note here... this juice will run through your body pretty quick. Obviously you're shocking a body used to solid food, probably food that's sticking to your intestines more than it should, and certainly far more than pulverized roughage will. Be prepared for frequent WC trips. Meal 4 is a lil' treat, Slim O Nade: lemon, water, cayenne, honey. Like a little early evening break from all the hardcore veg. This one's really sour and has a kick from the cayenne. Lemon + cayenne is a biggie in the juice cleanse world. Supposedly this specific combo really cleans you out. I have friends who've done this Master Cleanse diet, which is just lemon + cayenne + water + maple syrup for a month. They're crazy. I like this Slim O Nade a lot though. Number 5 is this beet guy. I'm not so into the beet, but this tastes very fresh. I guess I prefer drinking beet to eating it. I power through this one. Wait two hours. Dessert time! Hunger has been increasingly gnawing at me as I've gone through the day. I guess my body has burned through all the stockpiled janky carb energy it has stored up and is jonesing for more. You're supposed to prepare for a juice cleanse by reducing your caloric intake, especially meat / protein consumption, beforehand, and by drinking a bunch of water. Didn't do any of that. Oops. But this Cashew one is a nice end to the day. The only significant shot of protein I've had, so it fills me up just enough to keep my stomach from keeping my brain awake. Also tastes really nice. Zzz ***

DAY 2: RESTORATION

YES. Let's increase the intensity. I'm very hungry when I wake up on Day 2. Hustle into the store and pick up a large box that contains everything I will consume for the next 48 hours. Kind of front-load the first two juices, pound them within an hour of each other. Real, real hungry. Another Lean Greens + Pineapple to start the day. Yes. Feeling better. Plug into my laptop world and get some internetting done in the office, and don't really notice my hunger as much because of my super unhealthy sedentary sitting-desk working style. I wait the full two hours for my late "lunch": Master Green: kale, spinach, cucumber, romaine, parsley, lemon, ginger. This one's serious. A friend of mine who juices regularly says that's "the only one you should be drinking." My obsession with kale is what led me to Melissa in the first place, and this juice packs a ton in. I really like the taste, too. You get mostly the bite of lemon and ginger going down, with a strong earthy aftertaste. I am drinking 500ml of vegetables, after all. Despite the fact it's essentially a bottle of leaves, this one makes me feel a bit fuller than the others. Feels less frivolous, more getting down to business. Xiaban. Hot tip: don't go to restaurants when you're on a juice cleanse. Or, if you do, because your bandmates are leaving for Spring Festival the next day and you won't see them for two weeks, maybe tell them in advance that you're on a juice cleanse and you won't be able to actually eat food at the dinner. Both those are solid tips learned from hard experience. I couldn't really focus on conversation, I was just watching my friends eat like some kind of reprobate food porn junky. Boiled qincai has never looked so tantalizing. You have no idea. Just don't do it. Don't go to restaurants when you're cleansing, or at least not on Day 2. Still the lemonade was good. This is what the halfway point looks like in your fridge. Not pictured is the screaming of my guts. My stomach is really loud. Calm down. Time for juice 5. Mmm. Green Love. Another kale joint. This one's a little sweeter and lighter, with some pineapple and apple in the mix. As if this entire day's juice regimen has been planned with not only my pH balance but also my fragile psychological and emotional balance in mind. Good call Melissa! My girlfriend's been a real asshole throughout this whole process, by the way. Like sending me wechat videos of herself eating sourdough bread and shit. Not cool. But she started to feel bad today, especially after putting away enough food for the two of us at dinner. So she shared this cashew juice moment with me in a show of solidarity. Also because it's the only one of these juices that didn't make her face contort like a stroke victim's on first taste. <3 (NOTE: I didn't get it done, but Melissa recommends lymphatic drainage massage (淋巴排毒按摩) on Day 2. It's a pretty common one offered my most on-the-level massage joints. Keeps those toxins moving out of you I think.) ***

DAY 3: TRANSFORMATION

One thing about a juice diet: convenient to drink on your way to work… Or at an off-site business meeting... Day 3 is the most intense. Mostly just green liquids. I actually don't feel as hungry today, but I do feel very cranky. Might also be the last dregs of Mercury Retrograde, that always fucks with me. I do a lot of walking and maybe the lack of protein and carbs has affected my brain chemistry somehow. Pro tip: if you're in a relationship, maybe do this cleanse together. (Side note: JBM is offering a V Day special for couple's cleanses: if you book two cleanses by tomorrow you get two free strawberry smoothie things. <3) Or maybe stay away from each other for three days. I kinda need to get out of the house and walk around to avoid going crazy or driving people around me crazy. Sad solo street slimonade selfie: Still not very hungry. I get over the hunger hump on Day 3. Weird feeling, but I've heard it's pretty common. My stomach's shrunk and I've on some level come to grips with the fact that there are no solids in my immediate future. Power through these last few juices mostly just for fun. And, of course, so I can take this epic post-cleanse photo. Statue of liberty for scale. High-fiving myself so hard right now, because I'm way too salty to have any human companionship at the moment. Still, good job me! ***

DAY 4: POST-CLEANSE

I wake up on Day 4 and eat solid food and it is extremely righteous. Good thing I haven't scared the lady off for good. She makes great heart-shaped eggs. But I actually want to check back in at JBM, to sort of ease myself into post-#juicelife. Juice By Melissa recently launched a food menu which is, like the juices, packed with superbuzzed superfoods. Soooo much kale. Love those curly little bastards. After my cleanse, this plate of physical leaves is pretty much the most attractive lunch I can imagine. The quinoa wrap is also fantastic. I love wraps. I love solid foods so much. Hale to Kale (55rmb): kale, carrots, edamame, red pepper, cabbage, radish, mint, avocado w/ ginger dressing Quinoa Black Bean Wrap (50rmb): hummus, kale, avocado, cucumber, red onion, shredded carrots w/ green goddess dressing Sooner or later, nature takes its course. First solid BM in four days... and it's dark green. Like, the color of guacamole that's been left out overnight. Think this is a good sign though! "Dark green stool typically occurs when the body has come into contact with a substance that is having a significant effect on the digestive system." In this scenario, it most likely indicates that I've been taking in more superfood nutrients than my body can use. But that's better than most forms of overconsumption I subject this human frame to, so, I'll take it! The more you know... Anyway. Feel GREAT all day. Maybe it's psychological, maybe it's physiological, but either way there are both p's and h's involved and I feel like a million bucks. *** Yeah, now it's Day 5 and I'm hungover, but that's hardly Melissa's fault. The all-in fee for this three-day cleanse was 1,080rmb, which is the base price of 60rmb per bottle multiplied by 18. A bit steep, but worth it if you want to reset your biological rhythm or reprogram your relationship with food for a minute. Maybe even just to shred a few pounds for your friend's wedding or whatever. Melissa insists this isn't the point of the detox cleanse (I'd agree), but it's certainly an added benefit. Find more info on all of Juice by Melissa's cleanses — and order one up — on their snazzy website. Or walk up to the store to give the juice life a whirl in person. Feels good!