Ever notice how dog owners have a whole language of demented raving for their good boys? And cat owners start developing symptoms of someone raising several precocious toddlers? I'm just saying: pets bring out the best in us. If you don't have one, never fear; there's a range of cat and dog cafes in Shanghai (sadly no hedgehog or pig cafes we could find) where you can get a dose of furry friendship without the side effects of long-term animal ownership. We picked these based on some semblance of hygiene and animal welfare. Here are five that do us a heckin big content, fren.

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Hello Corgi

Entry: 50rmb
Treats? Only for people, and they're butt-shaped.

If you're a fan of the Queen's favorite doggo, this is your spot. Part of the unsettling dog-shaped-food trend, Hello Corgi at least has the benefit of featuring actual (non-edible) corgis to accompany your corgi-themed snack and drink. A very pink room contains six big corgis and eight wee puppers, all (bar one) descendants of the one called Nainai. Xixi's the one that goes bork bork the most. Dada's the cheeky one.

Did we mention corgi-themed snacks and drinks? They make snacks and drinks that look like corgi butts. Seek help, Shanghai.

The owners do their best to keep it clean and sanitary, and they ask you to wash your hand with disinfectant before coming in, but there were a couple of... accidents while we were there.

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Cherry Pepsi

Entry: 80rmb
Treats? They give you a little to give the cats

Just your average Instagrammable designer hip-hop hairless cat showcase. What! Yes, hidden behind a generic door on the fifth floor of an apartment complex, Cherry Pepsi is home to six adorable (if you're into that sort of thing) hairless kittens, bred and raised by the owner. They're all very well-behaved, even if they look like they harbor radical right-wing ideas and are in deep with the Serbian mafia.

The cats are worth more than your rent. One customer offered 100k to take one home. Owner said no. Apparently hairless cats are to cats what the Chinese art market is to art.

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Monster Pets Cafe

Entry: Free, but you gotta buy something (drinks about 50rmb), and I don't mean an animal. They're not for sale or adoption. No kids under 14 allowed.
Treats? No

Monster Pets goes all inter-species love and mingling, putting both cats AND dogs together in one spot. This is unique. It is ballsy. It is a little worse for wear. But the selection of animals is magical. A corgi, a pug, a shiba inu and a bunch of cats walk into a café…

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Qi Le Cat Cafe

Entry: 68rmb on weekends (cheaper on weekdays), +10rmb including coffee and dessert
Treats? No. Human snacks come with plastic covers to keep the cats from nicking your food though.

Two floors of cats cats cats! Cats in glass houses, cats on kiddie-castle playsets, cats cats cats! There are almost twenty little friends here, mostly well-groomed fat floofy long-hairs that are like picking up and snuggling a cloud oh my gawwwwwd. The place is quiet and relaxed, the cats fairly even-tempered (for cats), and well-trained. Plenty of toys scattered around for you, and honestly, you could just chill here for a few hours surrounded by kittehs.

They also do takeaway: young cats (downstairs) sell for up to 15k while last season’s models (upstairs) start at 3.5k. Notably, this place is hair-free and doesn’t smell at all. Scrupulous.

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Tao Miao Miao Cat Hall

Entry: 88rmb (including coffee and dessert)
Treats? No.

This is a “Cat Hall” if ever there was one: a palatial cat heaven, with a main hall and a movie room, climbable obstacles all along the walls and scratch pads everywhere. It's like the Waldorf Astoria of cat cafes. There are a staggering 40 cats in here (though about 10 of them were elsewhere "taking a rest"), of all different kinds, from long-hairs and grump-cats to hairless monstrosities (awwwww…), and this perfectly manicured little beauty they just call "The Manager" with almond-shaped eyes you could drown in. Whatever kitteh archetype you prefer, you'll find one here, including just the grumpiest grump-cat you've ever grumped.

Top-marks for cleanliness; the space seemed spotless. The entrance lobby has personal lockers, and they ask you to take your shoes off and provide slippers. They'll even wipe you down in those hard-to-reach places with one of those sticky roller-things after you're done.

In addition to the massive glass case of Pet Master goods, there's a petshop downstairs, selling kittens "from Russia" that range from 2.3k to a staggering 20k for the hairless wittle kitties.

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Ed's Note: if all this adorable floofery (or distinct lack thereof) has convinced you to finally settle down and commit to a genuine, fulfilling relationship with a pet, there're plenty of kittehs and doggos looking for a forever home over on the pet section of our Buy-and-Sell. Despite the name, we do not support the sale of animals on our website. Strictly adoption only.