Presenting, for your scrutiny, the latest entry in baffling dystopian China hellscapes, Andersen Park, a 81,000 square-meter castle and amusement park inspired by the writings of Danish writer and poet Hans Christian Andersen, currently open in New Jiangwan City in Yangpu District. It’s your favorite childhood fairytales come to life — or trapped in a nuclear-scorched plastic non-life, rather — jabbering demonically into the void — with a liberal dusting of esprite de Chernobyl.
Just in time for Christmas!
First announced in 2006 and scheduled for a 2010 opening date to coincide with the Shanghai Expo, Andersen Park opened earlier this year in 2017 (nailed it!), with a three-story castle, a river running through it, a few large centerpiece installations, and seven zones inspired by the fairytales, "The Little Mermaid," "Brave Tin Soldier," "The Snow Queen," "The Ugly Duckling," "Thumbelina," and more. It’s basically a bunch of amusement park rides for babies, of the variety usually found chained to the front of a Buddies.
The Thumbelina installation features a radioactive grass area of death. Playful!
Three children enter no one leaves...
The Ugly Ducking Egg, a profound existential meditation on the emptiness of life.
This thing was sucking the souls out of passing children, like wrrrrr SKRRREEEEE!
Stopping off for eats at Selling the Booth.
Traditional Danish Kedi burgers...
..and deep fried -- this. Yum!
Guests weave their way through the zones to get to the main centerpiece, which is a big pre-fab castle that looks like it was designed by an N64.
From this shot, you can see that they've gotten some primo real estate in central Mordor. The castle also does double duty as Shanghai's first defense against the rolling black hordes of the netherworld. If you listen closely into the void, you can just make out the sound of gnashing teeth.
It's three stories, with the little mermaid occupying the first floor, competing for your affections with some broken display screens and virtual reality sadness — sadness in multiple dimensions. 21st century sadness. Sadness that you see, hear, feel, touch, smell, be.
The second floor is a big slide room for the kids, which I have to admit was pretty righteous.
And the third floor is an abandoned restaurant, Les Comptoires Des Janky.
Back outside now, what else do we have here? The requisite wedding photos and rent-able banquet hall.
Interiors from Miss Havisham.
The emperor has no clothes...
So yeah, anyway the rides. You have to be under 120 centemeters... and there're a few other caveats.
But there's only one you want to ride anyway, and it might make the whole experience worthwhile...
Horray! Gode tider...
Andersen Park is at 200 Guohong Lu, near Zhengcheng Lu. 10 minutes from East Yingao Rd subway station. There are a lot of different family package available but the general price of adult admission is 135rmb on weekdays and 153rmb on the weekend. Chidren 68rmb on weekdays and 77rmb on weekends. Park hours are 9.30am to 5pm.