If I had a nickle for every time I've been in an oily and wonderful swingers orgy in a basement sex dungeon in rural Wisconsin and thought to myself, "DAMN, I could go for a bowl of craw daddies right now!" I'd... have some nickles? (I'd have no nickles.) So you know Xingfucun Lu? That the one with Hercules and Pho something-something. That line of restaurants there, with O'Steak and all those. Across from that store. That road. You know the restaurant el Grand Bocado? It used to be the Mexican place there? That Mexican place closed down a few months ago and there's a new restaurant there now. There's definitely a new restaurant there now. Let's just be completely direct with this thing right here because there's no other way to approach it: The new restaurant that's there now is an S&M-themed seafood restaurant. It's a fetish-themed crayfish place. Serious. It's an S&M-themed seafood restaurant now. It's called Ke ("shell"), and they serve their seafood with just a lil' extra dollop of that classic cock-and-ball torture. Yes! YES. So, I went to this place Ke for lunch at like 11:30am thinking it would be just another run-of-the-mill Guijie-esque crayfish restaurant. Look at it from the outside, right? …pretty non-descript, right? Then you go inside and it's this… and this… and this.. and this... I didn't even notice for like ten minutes. I ordered a bunch of shrimp, clams, fried rice, and crayfish off the (cheap, cheap, cheap) menu and then I saw this in the corner: Like, umm, hey, what the fu- Oh no. Oh no! So yeah, it's an S&M-themed seafood restaurant. Ever been nervous about ordering some cheap-ass seafood in a sketch restaurant in land-locked Beijing? Like, hmm, seafood, this is going to come back on me in a bad way. Well, try ordered some cheap seafood in some sketch restaurant in land-locked Beijing with a bunch of cut-rate gimp masks and ball-gags hanging on the wall! So I was nervous about the food is what I'm saying. I was envisioning everything in the kitchen just covered in this fine mist of jizz from the previous evening's festivities. Brrrrrrrr! Imagine! And then, you know what? The food was excellent! Whoever in the back there, they really stepped up to the plate, wiped last night's sex out of their eyes, and really addressed the job at hand! Food's great! Well, not great, but pretty decent. It's decent. I was just happy I didn't get a mouthful of pubes, really. Anything better than a mouthful of pubes: I'll take it. It's very comparable to anything on Guijie. It's one of those kinds of places where you're choosing the size of your crayfish (medium or large) and ordering in batches of 6,12, or 18 or whatever. Here's what we got. Jizz covered? Maybe. This is one of those ignorance is bliss moments. Like every other moment in your life. But, yeah, I didn't really write any details down on this food. I was too emotional. It was an emotional experience. I got all this for 200rmb. It's not expensive. Then they handed me the apron. And I was SOLD. Really added a new perspective not just on dinner but on life. Ladies! I've walked a mile in your titties! I understand now! Recapping: So it's a S&M-themed crayfish and then some restaurant. Two floors of kinda janky fetish gear that looks like someone had a 500rmb shopping spree at the local sex shop. Food is pretty good! And the whole experience is frightening, terrific, wonderful, perplexing, disturbing, and lovely. I don't know what happens at night. I don't want to know what happens at night. Maybe I do. Yeah, I do. Yeah, who am I kidding, of course I do! I'll be back… Recommended! Kinda feel like they missed an opportunity not calling it "Crabs" though.... Here's the address. They're open daily from 11:30am. But who knows maybe they were open just because they still happened to be banging one out from the night before or something.