Great tumbleweed of human misery and imported beer Heaven Supermarket serves up a "Tequila Marinated Beef Tenderloin" for 128rmb. Yes. Yes, they do. What? Yes. Steak from Heaven. Yes, it's in there. Heaven's "Tequila Marinated Beef Tenderloin" -- it scoffs at you from deep in their Tex-Mex menu, it's very existence an affront to God. But... what's it like, you ask. Is it poison? Let's find out! Popped by Heaven on a Tuesday at like 7pm so obviously it was rammed packed and already ambulances were ferrying away the evening's early casualties. I got a table outside on the terrace, next to some 14-year-old Italians who were smoking hookahs and talking about anal sex really loudly and in a not amusing way. Magnifique. After relocating to the current location two years ago, Heaven Supermarket started serving Mexican food, which I've heard accused of being "actually not too bad". You know you're in for quality when the menu comes in that plastic book binding that recalls Serbian hair dressing salons from the '80s. Opening this up, I thought it was just going to be full of Flock of Seagulls haircuts and options for some sweet frosted tips. Also note: the big ole bottle of Stoli on the front. Class. And here she is in the menu. The Tequila Marinated Beef Tenderloin. Look at this picture. It's like a mugshot of the thing. It's a fucking scandal. Don't know whether to order it or throw a coat over it's head and get it into the back seat of a sedan. Drum roll... Boom. Mmmm, right? Alternate angle. Work it, girl! For a reference on size, here's Heaven's steak with 300: Rise of an Empire. Yeah, that's the sequel, my friend. SEIZE YOUR GLORY. So... yeah. Ummmm. It's not bad for a steak ordered at basically a bus depot on the edge of oblivion. Contextually... oh well, who am I kidding, yeah, it's bad. Pretty damn bad. I think I'm probably the first person to ever order the steak so they just heated up that bad boy from the menu photo shoot and slapped it on the table. It's pretty bland. And overdone. I guess the blotchy green stuff that looks like Shrek jizz is the tequila. I think. Oh, I don't know. It was really tough to seize my glory with this, that's for sure. The meat was like a really dry, hint-of-sock and the whole thing was just super depressing. Two chip things and three pieces of broccoli -- looks like a meal a divorced dad would make before giving up and going to Denny's. This is a really forlorn plate of food. Sob! Drinks pairing? Why the mini champagne of course. But, hey, you can't hold it against them. Still love you Heaven. I can't quit you. Probably wouldn't re-up on the steak anytime soon but you're my number one for balloon sellers, bongs, and cigar accessories. Heaven Supermarket is at 15 Xindong Lu. Details here.