Couple of new hamburger options are causing a huge, huge stir in the Gulou area. People are rioting in the streets, looting stores, flipping cars and setting them on fire, howling at the moon, rivers of blood are gushing through the hutongs, up is down, down is up, both Temple Bar and Slow Boat now have new burger menus, it's chaos. Things never be gonna be the same. Well, maybe things'll be kinda the same except with the option to order a hamburger at either of these fine, fine drinking establishments. Business-wise it makes sense: people are already there, drinking beer, it's only a matter of time before they're going to want to shove a cow in their faces. It's just Economics 101. Trot out a burger menu and play the waiting game. ***

Three options for burgers at mounting levels of flair: The Classic, The Anxiety Burger, The Fry Burger. Coming at you easy and friendly, here's The Classic: "a classic American cheese burger with a choice of mayo or house-made IPA mustard". He's like, "Hey what's up, I'm just a lil' cheese burger guy, want to hang?" Yes I do. A nice patty-to-bread ratio, it's got a real American cook-out kind of taste -- juicy, meaty, and straightforward home-style. Tastes like you're at a friend's cook-out but they're really good at making burgers. A nice homemade kind of thing as opposed to an established sports bar, assembly line, quasi-gourmet burger. Simple and tasty. Nice bread. Seals it with the IPA mustard which adds a nice tang and signature stamp on it. It's tasty. It's filling but not gut-busting. Size-wise it's a 1/3 lb all-beef burger patty. Here's Slow Boat's The Classic, pictured next to Meatloaf's Dead Ringer, the internationally recognized unit of hamburger measurement, established in Geneva in 1963. Side note: People who advertise their burgers as "all-beef" are making me think about the 90% of restaurants who don't advertise that. What are the non-100% beef patties rounded out with? 80% beef, 20% malaria? Here's The Fry Burger. This is the top end. Getting a bit zany with this one: "All-beef patty, American cheese, our special ayi-oli sauce, and a beer battered French fry-patty." This one's a bit more involved, for sure. It demands a deeper commitment. The base material is good on the Slow Boats -- nice bread, nice meat, nice ratio of the two, but this one's a bit more of a "burger challenge" kind of thing. It was tasty, zingy, and cheesy, but also real thick and top-heavy. You definitely need the beer to get this one down your throat. But ayi-oli sauce -- that's zingy stuff. Is that a word? "Zingy"? Bottom line: I liked The Classic and would get it again and would travel upwards of two, maybe three subway stops to actually seek out this burger. I'd get the The Fry Burger again if I was in the mood to be THAT GUY... you know that guy... the I'M GOING TO GET THE CRAAAZY BURGER guy. It happens. Meanwhile...

Several options for burgers arranged loosely around a rock 'n' roll theme because it's Temple Bar. Sounds like their playlist... Elvis, The Clash, Beastie Boys. What? No "The Same Damn Tenacious D Album 20 Times in a Row" Burger? Hey-oh! Here's The Fat Elvis. Yeah, this is definitely a fat Elvis: "Burger with crispy bacon, cheddar cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickle, onion." Yep, it's a greasy spoon burger through and through. People call this "boutique fast food", which is another way of saying "every restaurant along the highway in rural Quebec." You got to get this in your face as quick as you can or it's just going to implode in your hands. It's shades of Burger Counter, which is where Temple got their kitchen head, but it's Burger Counter with the gourmet elements sanded off and esprite de dive bar added in. Giving you an idea of the size, here's the Fatty Elvis pictured with Andrew WK's second album The Wolf, a WOEFULLY DIRE follow up album to his 2002 smash I Get Wet. But yeah. Greasy spoon. Just get it done. Context-wise you're ordering this up when you're hammered and some asshole is shoving shots in your face and you need something in your stomach. Don't stop to savor it, just down it. Here's their star burger, The Temple Burger, which is everything they have in the kitchen plus home made chili sauce. It's a tall and mean mother. Want an idea of the thickness? Here's a thickness comparison with Brian Ferry + Roxy Music's The Platinum Collection -- a double CD album and quite comprehensive, I'm happy to report. Oooo. Yeah. This ain't The Ritz, my friends. You're going to get some of this in your stomach, some of this all over your face and shirt, and some of this all over your soul. It's not pretty but it does the trick. You'll be trying to tooth-pick the regret out of your teeth all night though, trust me on this. Bottom line: I did all four of these in one night. I was seeing wild and crazy shit at this point. Yeah, I'd get the Temple burger again. Sure, why not. I'm salt of the earth like that, man. Simple pleasures, doused in chili sauce. *** Click here for the address and operating hours for Slow Boat and click here for the same for Temple.