When I was a n00b in Beijing, I used to get lost in the Gulou hutongs all the time and, invariably, I'd would walk passed this place like five or six times trying to find my way home. This is "that Swiss fondue place" that might or might not really exist. You know the one. Someone's told you about it, you've walked by it a hundred times, it might have closed and reopened a couple times in a couple different places... you know, "that Swiss fondue place". It's shrouded in mystery. Today, my friends, we unshroud that mystery! I went and ate the fondue place! Yes! Behold! Now, before, we get into this thing, some caveats: I'm not really an expert in Swiss fondue. No, no it's true. I'm not. Strangely, I might not have much of a background in traditional Swiss cheese dining culture. Hell, I'm not sure I even "get" what Switzerland is. Switzerland, what is that? Like Germany plus Christmas and Narnia? I don't know, man. I don't know. Sounds like a place made up by Hans Christian Anderson or something. Yeah. BUT I can show you what it looks like inside and tell you how much everything costs, so you can see for yourself if you'd like to try it out. Here's a four-person fondue spread: So, the fondue. (Actually, they also have raclette, which is like BBQ cheese -- a whole other thing entirely, but we'll just stick with their fondue.) Swiss Cheese Fondue has three different varieties of fondue: a "flavored" one (219rmb) , a "traditional" one (298rmb), and a "delicious" one (398rmb). Included in that is a spread of items that comprise your dipping content. Pictured above is the standard spread -- plate of meats, plate of veggies, plate of fruits, and a big basket of bread chunks. There's a bunch of options for additions if you want but this is the basic starter kit. We got the "traditional" variety of fondue: "Characteristics: Imported from Switzerland, enjoy the delicious from the Alps White Wine Cherry Brandy and perfect fusion of traditional cheese, cheese and wine mellow, salty, reduction of traditional taste." Mmmm. "Enjoy the delicious." So, then you just get in there. Everyone gets their own little skewer and you just hit it up like you would. Here's a bread... A bit of bacon... A lil' carrot... A selection from the meats tray... You gotta watch out for dripping cheese. Got a little too excited here, and this happened: ...aaaand we're back to a bread guy. Or maybe that's a potato, I don't know. Yep, that it. Speaking as someone who's not had a lot a fondue in their time, this was really great. Surprisingly really great. The quality on everything was fine, and the fondue itself was delicious. It's like a salty, cheesy, boozy kind of taste, and, really, what could be better that salt, cheese, and booze. Those are like the cornerstones of Western civilization. But yeah, highly recommended. I think I might go back a few times over winter. Now. Drinks. Cocktails. Obviously, I ordered the "The Afternoon of a Faun"... ...which was more like "the afternoon of a faun's balls." Seriously, stay clear of this one. It's like fake rum and peach drink. But yes, you are correct, "The Afternoon of a Faun" is indeed the best name for a cocktail of all time. Hmmm, another cocktail. What to get... what to get... Oh! I'll just have my usual: "The Conquest of Jungfrau". Apparently, the conquest of Jungfrau involved a lot of coconut, toothpaste, and drywall. This was pretty miserable, my friends. Not going lie: this tasted worse than Valkyrie placenta. But that's okay. Whatevs! You're going for the fondue, not the drinks. And the fondue is lovely. Here's a goose! There's two locations of Swiss Cheese Fondue in Gulou. The bigger one, the one where these pictures were taken, is in Dongmianhua Hutong at number 30. It's just down a bit from Penghao Theatre.