*** The hardest thing about this column has always been finding a graceless way to segue between the part about boning and the part about chili recipes. That, and trying to explain the concept at parties. “So like, you write about meatless sex?” said every unoriginal person ever, picking and eating tone-of-voice boogers. Please. We’re talking urbane journalism about tossing Sarah Palin’s salad and flawless puns expedited by the Christian truth that God made bottle gourds and zucchini the same week he made penises. But go on. Ask again, cleverdick. Because this time it is. This time it’s actually about both at once. There are certain things you only suggest while swaddled in the downy self-assurance that no one in the room is feeling proactive. Like, “Maybe we should go outside,” and “Maybe we should be paying for our downloads”. Also: “Maybe we should have a vegetarian edible underwear design challenge.” It’s cool. Everyone was doing tequila shots and feeling temporarily invincible. And it’s not like reasonable people take me seriously. Then the Wechats started rolling in. 10/15/14 12:11pm: “I’m worried my underwear won’t fit on a normal person. It looks like a blob and you have to keep it in the fridge. But it comes with dipping sauce.” Ed's note: Pictured above is a pair of tofu panties in that silver tray in a fridge. Refrigeration was necessary to maintain their structural integrity. "Integrity", being the foremost concern for the event. 10/15/14 5:48pm: “KENDRA!!! I tried to make natural fruit leather but my oven is too small, can’t be set at 80, and doesn’t bake for 8 hours. So I bought it from April Gourmet. But I just noticed it has malt sugar!!! Shit…” I guess I should have clarified the rules or something. Malt sugar isn’t an animal product. 10/15/14 5:52pm: “Oh, I thought it was supposed to be gluten free. We’re good then.” I pulled up to the shoot a couple minutes early planning to spend the first hour taking phone calls from everyone who realized at the last minute that they weren’t ready to let go of their political aspirations, and the next three hours gossiping on the balcony. But there was Irene, standing in the dark with her assistant and a massive carrying screen draped in gauze. “Jesus, you have an assistant?” “Yeah. She had a date with her boyfriend tonight but when she heard about this, she cancelled.”

Pom of the Firmament Negligee & Garters

Irene Lu, founder at Pillowbook Materials: Gelatin-free fruit leather, pomegranates Model: An Actual Model Texture: Sealskin and Arkenstones Maximum range of motion: Limited sashaying “And the inner fire of the Silmarils Fëanor made of the blended light of the Trees of Valinor, which lives in them yet, though the Trees have long withered and shine no more.” Irene’s model minced out of the changing room all flawless Countess Bathory skin in a two-piece mesh nightie sewn from a thousand pomegranate seeds that are ostensibly missing from a museum in Cairo. Underneath, a banded red fruit leather garter, thong, and pasties set. “Are you kidding me?” said everyone who had to get naked in the wake of that glittering bomb drop. “I’m gonna need more wine.” I don’t know who’s bedroom we were shooting in, but I kept imagining him coming home the next day and finding the core of a single burst seed under his pillow. “Huh,” he’d shrug. “That’s weird.” And then he would turn on his white noise machine and roll over, none the wiser. * The Tasting: Tastes Like: The sweet juices of the autumn harvest ***

Kiwi Bikini Armor

Knickermaker to the Queen, Miss R Materials: Rice Paper, gelatin-free fruit leather, dehydrated kiwi Models: Annabelle & Evan Texture: Phyllo dough (dry), jellied exoskeleton (post-shower) Maximum range of motion: Careful come-hither posing Miss R is a recent Beijing transplant from the UK that designs her own line of top-end lingerie and loungewear, and probably serves as personal armorer to the ladies of the Justice League, and also sometimes Queen Elizabeth. “Mine is kind of crispy and weird,” she said, neglecting to mention that it repels Pym Particles. “Don’t judge me.” The upper bodice of Miss R’s creation is trimmed with decorative ribbons of apple fruit leather criss-crossed over a set of sexy spaulders molded from hand-set rice paper, which I presume horny ninjas will be keen to tiptoe over and then dramatically fall through in the dead of night. I was downstairs buying suggestive-looking cabbages when they strapped Annabelle into the bottoms, and I’m still not sure how that happened. It sounded like you basically needed a squire to put them on, but once they are, you’re plasma-shielded up to at least blast level 7, and you will automatically be able to roundhouse pervs in the head. Miss R: “Once we take this off, it might implode.” “No way,” said Evan, taking her turn in the Panties of Power. “If I shower in it, it’ll totally mould to my body. Hit me with the water. You’re gonna have 45 seconds before the whole thing melts.” Thus it was that there were 8 of us in the bathroom screaming at the photographer to shoot faster before she sassily lost the last kiwi. * The Tasting: Tastes Like: Vietnamese Spring (fling) Rolls ***

Hotpot 'Jane of the Zhengl' Panties

Danni Zheng Materials: Doufu skin, doufu thread, garlic greens, carrot, golden needle mushrooms & lotus garnish, pepper dipping sauce Model: Becky Texture: Pencil Eraser Range of Motion: Full-on booty-dancing Danni, who totally does not design underwear for a living, signed onto the challenge at the 11th hour, rounding out the meal with the savory flavors of Guijie. She crafted a low-slung bikini bottom with doufu skin bootie fringe, cinched with a belt of flowering garlic greens and a lotus slice buckle. One end of the vine loops through the lotus slice and you’re good to go in terms of impassable rainforest chasms. “You wanna get into position before we do the shoot or anything?” “Nah,” said Becky, painted up like a zhimajiang Amazon and holding a giant fake peach, “These are super solid and they’re totally staying on.” * The Tasting: Tastes Like: Mala (poon) Tang *** THE VERDICT: Obviously this wondrous event has made winners of us all -- all the designers, models, and all you lovely people out there in radioland. Much love and thanks to all the wonderful and creative designers and all the game and beautiful models. 'Til next time. * For more from The Vagitarian, click here.