*** SmartBeijing asked Kendra to write a regular column about being a vegetarian in Beijing -- nice places to get a meat-free dinner, ideas for homemade meals, tips for other vegetarians, that sort of thing. She only agreed to do it if she was approved to take wild and unedited forays into non-veggie-related smut and depravity. And say the word "vagina" a lot. Huzzah! Here's "The Vagitarian". *** Shanghai, 2am: the hand of the divine acts with mercy, and I get distracted long enough to forget about that clit pic I was about to send my husband. Which is fortunate, because as it goes, I wasn’t texting my husband. I was texting my editor. If the stat-crunchers over at Mashable are to be believed, this isn’t an uncommon phenomenon, with one in ten horny and hapless poll respondents reporting that they’ve sent a sext to the wrong person. Don’t roll that dice, girls. Don’t play fast and loose with your bare mudflaps. The sophisticated lady bent on teasing from afar should consider delousing such plebian mistakes by putting her naughty photos in the hands of a goddamn professional. We should all be carrying around a mobile gallery of quality smut, a soberly-selected reel of fire-and-forget, no-harm-done hotness, not messing around with the squalid Craigslist-grade pickings of some bleary-eyed, legs-spread, spur-of-the-moment pout in the bathroom mirror. Lame. The psychological ingredients of a boudoir shoot being the same as a murder, I’m two thirds of the way there: I have motive and opportunity. What I do not have is means. If I had a giant wad of renminbi or the desperation of an aging sugar daddy to throw at this, I’d be calling S-line, Beijing’s crack female-only team of bedroom photographers. Equipped with a fully kitted-out studio in Tongzhou, S-line does the whole package in a lady-safe environment, providing makeup, set design, and ass-smoothing photoshop. But at 6,000rmb for the most basic of packages and up to 20,000rmb for a lux shoot, the S-line treatment is in the pre-wedding price range. For the casual narcissist, there is, as the druids say, dramatically pulling aside a curtain at the back of the apothecary, another way. Oh, I went there. I went all the way there. Aotu Selfie Parlor (http://www.dianping.com/shop/8871162), in the basement-level of Sanlitun SOHO, is like the KTV of one-man photography. For an hourly fee, you get access to a private pro-photo room equipped with colored backdrops, studio lighting, racks of weird-ass anime costumes, and a sweet camera on a wireless shutter. Mirrors positioned behind the camera and “stand here” markings on the floor help you pose and center yourself in the shot. After each shutter click, wall-mounted monitors display your most recent photo, so you can see how badly you’re embarrassing yourself. It was super hard to get a complete shot of the space, but you get the idea: Color-coded panel for backdrop controls. Take as many shots as you can, and when you’re time’s up, you’ll be notified by Aotu staff, who’ll hand you a CD of all your pics. “We keep your photos for 7 days after your shoot in case something happens to your copy,” the lady at the desk tells me. Comforting. Photo rooms are totally private and no one’s hovering, so yes, you can get nakes. Though a handful of the more elaborate costumes are pay-to-play, most are free to use, and you can also bring your own clothes: Or step up the sex with couples costumes and the off-the-shelf offerings: There are two rooms available and prices vary. Land the large room during weekends and peak times, and you’re paying 230+ rmb per hour – that’s the high end of the scale. On the low-end, if you go during non-holiday weekdays, you get a 30% discount, so assuming you book the smaller room (which is plenty large enough for you and three friends to muck around), you’re looking at 138rmb / hour, all-inclusive. Appointments are required, so call in advance to book a slot. Aotu Selfie Parlor is at B1-521 on the basement level in Sanlitun Soho **** Speaking of toasted things, I dropped into Huakai Vegetarian, that giant restaurant on the SE corner of Dongzhimen Wai and Dongzhimen Beixiaojie, for a Sunday brunch munch. I dunno, man. The food was great (the potatoes, my god!), but before I blow a bunch of mystical Buddhist smoke up their ass: it’s starting to drive me a little nuts that most vegetarian restaurants are twice the price tag of your average meatery. Why does eating veg have to be such a friggin’ production? Why are cloth napkins always involved? But that’s not Huakai’s fault, that just my fancy-pants burnout talking. If you’re in the market for vegetarian brunch in Dongcheng, you really can’t do much better. What do you need for brunch? Potatoes, duh. Eggs. Some kind of green, maybe. A starch. Touch of bacon, if you’re nursing a hangover, right? Behold: Scrambled Egg with Red Pepper and Green Pepper (32rmb) These are, hands down, the best eggs I’ve ever had in China. The eggs are fried in oil so the edges get that brown crunch and the yolks stay dense and smooth, then they’re chopped up into a lively pepper sauce. If you can handle some light spice and you’re eating earlier in the day, this is primo recommended. Griddle-cooked potato with Spicy Sauce (28rmb) Hot damn. How do you get potatoes to do this, give them a fucking massage first? Little mini taters with a butter-soft texture tossed in a semi-sweet piquant dressing. Sauteed Olive Vegetable with Sauce (38rmb) Nothing outlandishly fab about this plate of B-vitamins, just your basic fiber-heavy ballast. I’d probably try something else on the menu if you’re looking for exceptional greens. Sautéed Chicken with Sauce (58rmb) We skipped the bacon and went for the “chicken”, a super-savory mock-meat stir fry with chestnuts and mushrooms. Nailed it. Spicy Fungus with Crispy Rice (58rmb) I thought we were ordering a steamed brown rice plate, but man, this thing. I don’t know what this thing is, I’ve never seen it before. It’s a crunchy, hollow rice helmet that tastes exactly like buttered popcorn. Exactly, precisely, and perfectly like buttered popcorn. And it’s addictive in exactly the way buttered popcorn is addictive – it’s not that it’s a culinary masterpiece or anything, you just can’t stop putting it in your face. ‘Till next time. *** Huakai Vegetarian is at 144 Dongzhimen. Details here.