Despite all signs to the contrary, it seems like Halloween might NOT be cancelled this year!
Our WeChat Moments have been positively choked all afternoon long with bars and clubs promoting their wonderful annual halloween bashes, and there's a palpable excitement / sulfur in the air as we head off into the week in front of Halloween.
We might pull this one out, Shanghai! They might let us have this one! Fingers crossed. Knock on wood. Say a quick prayer to Satan if you can!
And so, right about now is when you should start panicking and scouring Taobao to find a decent Halloween costume for the weekend. You don't want to be that guy with regular clothes on and just a mask from the movie Scream and a plastic pirate sword from the local off-brand toy store — AKA "The British Guy Special."
Don't be The British Guy, Shanghai.
Not this year, friends. Not this year.
And so! To help you in your Taobao hunt we've compiled a list of the worst costumes available on Taobao. These are costumes that you should avoid at all costs. Or these are costumes that you should immediately purchase because they are amazing. It's hard to tell with a lot of them. We started with the worst. Then included the best. Then the best-worst. Then the worst-best.
Mobile Shame Unit
I know these are references to some pop culture phenomenon thing but I'm not going to do the research about it and if you're doing deep-dive pop culture references you gotta be prepared to get some puzzled looks.
The guy on the blue one on the picture below is trying to hide but the costume comes with a fully functioning shame window panel for all of us to use.
We see you guy.
We see you...
Homeless Meth Pandas
I love a good couples costume gimmick and I think it's really thrifty that this romantic duo were able to make use of their actual human teeth to include in these lifelike homeless meth panda outfits.
Just goes to show you don't have to spend a lot of money on a good costume if you've got a clever idea, a little crystal meth, and a lot of creativity.
Wow Right out of the Headlines!
I don't get the reference.
You're what now?
Never fucking heard of it.
The "fuck y'All"
I mean yeah it does the job but why would I want to wear my work clothes out on a night I can dress up?
(Respect to the mouth slot that looks like a Wendy's Drive-Thru window. If I see this out I'm going to order a Frosty at the guy's head and hopefully get the appropriate response.)
The Scariest Guy Ever
There's people who go waaaaay overboard and that's a welcome impulse. Better to go overboard than y'know... be the British guy... but this dude is something else. It's a steam punk robot carrying his head on an octopus body in a cage and it's the most horrifying and deranged thing I've ever seen. It's amazing and absolutely revolting.
There's a video. Click the video.
And at 4500rmb -- the soundest of investments.
The DICK GUY
You know you're at a good party when The Dick Guy rolls in at like 2:30am and the bar goes WILD.
"The Dick Guy's here! The Dick Guy's here!"
It's so exciting.
Takes a special sort of person to be the Halloween Dick Guy. It's a calling. It's an artform. It's a mission.
At this store here they're selling all pigmentations of dicks, really opening it up to all the peoples of the world. It's like The Dick Guy United Nations or something.
Dick Guy's gonna save us all, my friends.
weird emo HEAD
I take it back this is scarier than octopus cage robot man.
With Horse Bruh the costume is not just the horse it's the whole outfit this guy is sporting along with the horse, including the facial expression.
Horse Bruh is key. Horse Bruh is clutch.
I've been starting at him for like 20 minutes just trying to ride his wave.
This store specializes in horrible ideas right about to happen.
Just visiting this store I felt like Jeff Daniels character in the movie Speed when he pulls the panel off the bomb to disarm it and it just goes...
You can tell this kid and their father spent all night in the garage putting this one together like it was the final class project due the next day or something. The flop sweat just pours off this thing. It's so last-minute. You can feel the desperation. The sheer panic.
And then they just ran out of time. No more could be done. They just had to live with it.
Sometimes you just gotta go out there into the world looking like a straight-up piece of shit with some leaves in it and try to take it as a learning moment.
The Dynamic Duo
There's always that slight pang of anxiety and embarrassment when your turn up to the party and someone is wearing the exact same costume as you. Like, dammit! That's my idea!
Two things you can do: 1) try to hide in the corner and ignore the situation or 2) march right over across the bar, introduce yourself, and make friends with the person.
Halloween is about having fun and not taking yourself too seriously,
Cheers to these two, getting along and having a great time, despite the fact that they both showed up dressed like soccer tits.
food guys i guess?
First there was a banana costume.
Then there was a hotdog costume.
And now here we are. Pretty much at the end of human civilization.
The Right to REmain Silent
For this one y'all can play at home and fill out your own caption here.
I'm gonna go get a glass of wine and be a lil' depressed.
TOILET PAPER Romance
Honey, you can do better...
My dude, you can do better...
Actually, maybe just stay together?
Sexy William Wallace
"Have you got something that makes me look flayed alive and disembowled but like the sexy version or that?"
Live Your Truth
This is right when I couldn't remember if I was looking for bad costumes or amazing ones and aren't they both same thing kinda?
Disregard this list, Shanghai! Do what makes you feel good.
(Although hey maybe no Indigenous Peoples' head dresses this year... eh?)
The Spirit of Halloween 2022
Everything about this is perfection. This is the only way to end this list. With a textbook perfect Halloween costume. What a triumph.
You know that friend who "doesn't like Halloween". They don't like to celebrate? They think Halloween is for kids? They think costumes are lame? (British?)
The "Spirit of Halloween 2022" is the guy who visits your friend in the dead of night, moaning and rattling his huge spectral dong off the walls before taking them on a magical, fantastical journey to visit Halloween past, present, and future.
Woe to you, Halloween naysayers! Lest you be visited in the cold night by the "Spirit of Halloween 2022", with three levels of dong inflation, to show you the folly of your selfish ways!
Happy Halloween to you all!
And to you all a drunken, regret-filled night!