. *** Having a baby isn’t all bad. Don’t get me wrong, it’s mostly bad. Diapers, schools, daycares, medical care, cleaning, food, clothes, and baby-bags. Yeah, that’s all as bad as you think it is. But there’s a good side as well. If there wasn’t we’d be seeing more public service announcements like: “Warning! Nine out of ten fun people recommend not having children.” (This is true and they should put that shit on condoms.) But surely, there’s a good side. Somewhere. Somehow. Let’s see what we can come up with:
Feel the Love
Beginning with the obvious: Yeah, it’s the love. Otherwise there’s no way anyone would put up with all the bullshit. The relationship between father and child evolves as the kid develops, and the basis for that is the love and reliance. A kid needs his dad. While the practicality of that is a pain in the ass, witnessing the process is pretty cool. And that’s really where the joy of fatherhood comes from. Teaching your kid manners and shit is rewarding. It makes you proud when he says “please” and “thank you”, and you start to feel like “hey, maybe I’m a pretty good dad.” But that shit’s basic. What’s actually way cooler is teaching your toddler how to react to situations in life. Things like dealing with frustration and being patient, using an appropriate speaking volume, or knowing how to express overwhelming joy or surprise. When your two year old watches a skateboarder jump 20 stairs and enthusiastically proclaims “awesome”, that’s because you taught him that skateboarding is cool and worthy of praise, and you taught him how to express that enthusiasm appropriately. It doesn’t sound like much, but for a dad, it’s a fun milestone in child development and a cool progression of the father-child relationship.
You’re guiding your kid’s initial outlook of the world and it’s entirely up to you if your kid listens to reggae, Katy Perry, or “Wheels on the Bus”. You’re opening their eyes to Stuff. They’ve never seen Stuff, they don’t know how to react to Stuff, and you’re the one who decides how the relationship to Stuff will begin. It’s a surprisingly cool process. As dads we’re building our kids. It’s an endeavor fraught with hardship and annoyances but it’s a worthy responsibility — one that’s ultimately rooted in love. It’s one of those strange things about having a kid. They clearly suck but they’re still your favorite thing.
An Easy Out
Kids: They’re the ultimate excuse. Using your child as a scapegoat is infallible. It’s sure-shot. I can’t think of a single situation that trumps the immediate care of an infant. Boss: “Hey Sal, why are you leaving work?” Me: “Oh, I’ve got deal with the baby.” Boom!!!! Not even a specific reason. Just straight-up “gotta deal with the baby.” What does that even mean? Fuck it, doesn’t matter. It’s beyond reproach! They might frown upon it but they can’t really say anything. Even on the Titanic it was “women and children first” and that idea still prevails in society. Meetings, awkward dinners, some wedding you don’t want to buy a gift for, or just any old thing you’re not feeling — a child will always be your ticket to getting out of shit. Your kid’s got your back. I taught my son how to fist-bump, specifically to honor these occasions. “Thanks little man. Respect.”
They Make You and Your Friends Cooler
If played right, having a toddler can add a unique cool factor to your image. The love thing yeah, the excuse thing yeah, but the cool factor is the best reason really. Even then, it’s still not much of a reason but here we are. I’m talking about the image of the “ultra responsible, reliable man”. For single dads, this has the potential to get you more women than a Middle Eastern dictator. In addition to giving you the “ultra responsible, reliable man” image, it also garnishes sympathy. Maybe your lady died in some horrible tragedy? Maybe you need — nay, deserve — a little romantic sympathy? For the rest of us married Dad’s that’s not really an option. Our new “dad image” might earn us some harmless flirting but that’s about it. But even that’s okay. It’s enough to remind us that we were once primal, sexual beings. And that can be pretty refreshing once in a while. It just gives a bit of extra swagger.
We can however, temporarily transfer that essence of cool-responsibility to our friends. Even just a stroll around the pub with toddler in hand can give your single friends the power of a thousand suns. In our mid- to late 30s, it’s safe to say our single friends are either single because they’re really smart or because they’re absolute degenerates. Either way, they’re getting older, their looks are fading, and they could definitely use a leg up in the game. My kid does that for my friends. Because just the idea of parenting taps into some primordial, subconscious reproductive drive in women. My Friend Talking to Girl in a Bar [feels a tug at his pants leg]: “Hey I’m sorry, I’m just gonna go draw a few pictures with my friend’s kid. I’m his favorite uncle… I’ll be back in a minute.” Something snaps inside the mind of most women. Flooded with images of wedding dresses, two-garage houses, and wonderfully cute babies, her primal need to reproduce begins to creep up in her loins, perhaps encouraged by the three Long Islands she’s already had. Standard degenerate mid- to late-30-year-old friend seems like not such a bad prospect. “I love hanging out with kids,” the girl responds. “You’d make a great dad.” The deal is sealed. If you think that’s a little bit sexist it’s probably because it is. We’ll leave that for the next generation to handle; deadbeat dads we are. But yeah, so there's a few upsides to the whole fatherhood thing. Plus you get to continue your lineage with your kids carrying on your memory for generations. It’s always nice to be remembered. For all the great things we’re doing.
