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[Tested]: Cool Qi Bike, The Marquis' Choice
Flying egregiously close to the sun on wings of chrome. SmartShanghai tests out the Cool Qi Bike. It's the gold one!
By Jun 23, 2017 Tech
"Tested" is our column where we check out new goods and services. We see if they're worth you're time and money so you don't have to.

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Truly, this a glorious time for two-wheeled transport, my friends. Truly, these are the salad days. Truly, these are the times of kings and poets. Truly, the city is awash in gold, my friends, gold is raining from the heavens, gold is showering from the heavens, it's a golden shower. Presenting: Shanghai's latest bike-sharing option, available for iPhone and Android, the Cool Qi Bike AKA the "Tuhao Gold" AKA "The Marquis' Choice".



"Lust's passion will be served; it demands, it militates, it tyrannizes."
-Marquis de Sade


Let's just cut to the quick, Shanghai: I can honestly say in terms of transport, getting from ancestral castle A to private summer villa B, I've experienced all the common forms of conveyance for a person of my merit and pedigree: covered sedan chair, ancient Chinese litter, and, of course, ayi-drawn gladiator chariot.

The Cool Qi is right up there with the very best, I say.

It's as comfortable as the blessed wings of Raphael himself. It's conveniently inconvenient for the baser classes unless you've got a trusted foot-servant to procure one for you (more on that below). It's speedy enough to hunt down the deadliest game (man). Perhaps most importantly, it's got ample shoulder room with which to toss doubloons and baubles to the city's unfortunates who tend to clog up life's gutter so.

Real Talk: This actually happened. While shooting for this article, someone came up asking for change. Oooof. Gah. Arg.

Real Talk Over: I, of course, so accustomed to receiving things on credit didn't have any pockets! I had my aforementioned foot-servant sort the poor thing out.

IT WAS THAT OR FEED HIM TO THE STARVING IRISH.


Awkward... I'm not a good person!

"In order to know virtue, we must first acquaint ourselves with vice."
- Marquis de Sade


The Marquis' Choice comes to us from the "Cool Qi" bike company, who usually do the green bikes with the blue wheels you see around town in lesser number than Mobike or Ofo. The deal to sign up is pretty standard. Or I don't know if it is, but I've got lesser functionaries to fact check these trifling matters for me so PFFFTH. I've been told by my staff that the Cool Qi's cost 1.5 rmb per 30 minutes, following a 298rmb deposit. Or so I've been told. This is literally the amount of money I literally throw away every 30 seconds every day literally out of sheer ennui with modern life.

Right here is where I shall get one of my peons to upload one of those iPhone screen shots that are inscrutable to anyone with even an iota of proper breeding.


The gold bikes are denoted by the gold pinpoints. The whole app is in some sort dead tongue. Possibly Aramaic.

Done? Good. Helpful? I don't care in the slightest. I've been asked to relay that the "app is buggy".

I don't know what that means. I don't speak cockney.

"All universal moral principles are idle fancies."
-Marquis de Sade


Additional Features. Let's Discuss.



It's a got a thing to charge your "mobile device". (You mean my John Thomas! What, what!)



It's got a nice little basket to transport your ruffles if you find yourself spritzing in this godless heat.



The seat is nicely padded to provide ample support to those of us gifted with more... shall I say "Herculean" endowments.



Have I mentioned that it's golder than APOLLO'S BALLS.



The Downside: For People Like You



Primarily, The Marquis' Choice is a "promotional device" mean to create some "social media" heat for the company. These things are rarer than a poor person in heaven. My servants called the company and they said that there are only 300 available in all of Shanghai. I had to get my foot-servant to run all around town to get me one! They're like Willy Wonka's golden tickets. You're supposed to feel lucky you got one. For me, "luck" is a thing for people in a lower tax bracket but I realize that YOU yourself reading this are probably a sad victim of the righteous social order in some fashion. There's a bunch of them near Donghua University. And a bunch more out in Pudong.

Have at them, Shanghai! Ride a mile in my pantaloons, I invite you! Ride with me, Shanghai, my friends!

The means to every crime is ours, and we employ them all, we multiple the horror a hundredfold!

***

Here's the app on iTunes.


Just a virile blur writ in glorious pink and gold...



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