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Photos: Brandon McGhee

TAXX Delivery for Lunch is About as Good as You Think It'd Be

By Jun 17, 2020 Dining

TELL EVERYONE

TAXX, a club, now does food delivery. It is our responsibility to order it for lunch, and tell you how it is. There are two possible outcomes here. One is that we, as critics and commentators on F&B in Shanghai, have overlooked a crucial category of food: giant concrete bunker EDM club cuisine. The other is that that the wave of delivery that has flowed from the dumpster-fire that is COVID-19 has gone way off the deep end. Let's see how the fuel that keeps club kids going into the wee hours looks in broad daylight.

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Superclub? More like supperclub, am I right! Eh? Eeeeh?

So this popped up in our Ele.me feed the other day and we couldn't resist. According to the little descriptive blurb for the food, we're not alone! They say they've sold 9,999+ dishes of everything on their menu, from the "158 Wanghong Burger" to the "TAXX No.1 Best Selling Beef Noodles."



We've been sleeping on the job! TAXX has been open since about December 2017, so that's, what, about 900 days, so they've been selling something like 11 of each of these every night, since opening. And not a peep on SmartShanghai about apparently one of the city's hottest restaurants! What kind of a shambles operation are we running here, exactly?!



Wait! That's in the description. They wrote that! Sneaky sneaky. The actual number of sales on Ele.me reads less than 100.

So how is it all?



The 158 Wanghong Burger, which I'm told by a reliable source no one orders in the club, is garbage. Wet, mushy and burdened with a slice of unpickled cucumber that's as thick as the patty itself. Is this what you call a burger, TAXX? More like TAXXing my stomach!

Boom, got 'em.

The chaomian is the worst I've had in nine years in China, which is an accomplishment worthy of song. How do you fuck up chaomian? An undergrad with a broken hotplate in a university dorm kitchen couldn't fuck up chaomian. A divorced salaryman coming down off a two-day bender couldn't fuck up chaomian. A mother of two with a plyboard cart, a bottle of gutter oil and only one eye on the wok because the other's keeping a look out for chengguan couldn't fuck up chaomian.



They managed to not fuck up the fries, if that's any consolation, and the chicken wings are actually kind of okay. Little mala spice to it. The Borscht, presumably added as a concession to the foreign models who need to soak up their free booze, is syrupy sweet but not unsatisfying. It'll wreak absolute havoc on your clean white tee, though. Walk out of there looking like you got beat up by the bouncers.



The only highlight is the Beef Noodles. I'd go so far as to say it's good. Comes complete with an egg and the salty, salty soup in a separate container on the side. 8/10 beef noodles, for 34rmb at lunch time. That's about what I'd pay down the street. Apparently it's "normally" 67rmb. I can only presume "normally" means at 2am when your body is fully rebelling against what you're doing to it. 67rmb for a life-giving beef noodle soup. At TAXX.

Conclusion: Ele.me should deliver to clubs, not the other way around.

TELL EVERYONE

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