. Illustration by Francine Yulo *** Like many new parents, I’m often prone to a few douchebaggeries that come with the territory. Now, I know that as new parents we're naturally prone to a lot of these, and for many of us they’re simply a mechanism to cope with our dissolving social lives. Fair enough, but don't be a dick. Avoid these moves.

1) Telling Your Friends "I’m More Tired Than You"

There’s nothing as annoying as a parent saying "oh my God, you think you’re tired?! I have a baby". Parents, I know you lack sleep. And I know you sincerely feel wronged by the fact that you, and you alone, must bear the brunt of your kid's retarded sleeping habits. But think back to a time when you yourself were embarking on legendary weekend benders, fueled by dive bars, deep house, and early morning trips to Amber Lounge. Your body felt that, and it hurt. Now combine that with the fact that you’re in Shanghai, and your friends are anywhere between 27 and 40, living a Peter Pan existence in the Neverland that is Xuhui district, and sympathize that they are indeed hungover and tired too -- maybe, just maybe even more than you.

2) Encouraging Unmarried Friends To Get Married and Have a Kid

This is one of the weakest moves a new parent can pull. In fact, if you’ve ever told your friend-couples to just take the plunge and have a kid, you need to understand the damage you may have done. People like being single. It’s fun as shit, and if popular culture has taught us anything about gender roles, it’s that most men fear commitment. On the other hand, women generally welcome the ring, especially when that maternal clock starts to tick. So with your supposedly innocent, “hey guys maybe it’s time to finally tie that knot and have a baby LOL”, you’ve now inceptioned an idea in your homie’s girlfriend’s mind -- an idea that had probably already been growing, and was waiting for that 8.8 Richter earthquake to trigger a volcanic fury of bitching unleashed itself onto your unsuspecting friend's face. You are that earthquake! Because of you, your buddy’s girl is like "When are you gonna commit?" "Sal’s 32 and he already has a baby". "I need a real man who’s gonna be there for me." "Are you gonna get serious or just waste my time like the other guys?" "When we first started dating I thought this was going somewhere." "My mom keeps asking me when we’re getting married." Now your buddy's at Dogtown every day, all stressed out, getting hammered, and fretting over his receding hairline. That shit is your fault! That’s on you! But let’s calm down for a sec. I’m a new dad, and it sucks being the only one of your friends with kids. It’s alienating. There’s no one who really understands the subtle emotional changes, social restrictions, or joys and follies of parenting that you’re going through. So most new parents really do wish their friends had kids. That way, they could share this new adventure with someone fun, and smash booze during daytime park sessions, do cool, kid-friendly shit togther, and not have to talk to overzealous new moms who dodgeball you in the face with lame baby pics and talk about solid-food and breastfeeding.

3) Subjecting Friends to Inane Baby Development Conversations

Most people only have a fleeting interest in our babies, and care very little about the details. And that’s completely fair. Before becoming a parent, I didn’t care if your kid could now eat solid food. I didn’t care if your kid could start making sounds. I didn’t care if your kid could roll over. I didn’t care if your kid could sleep through the night. As a parent, each of those events is a milestone and a testament to the divine miracle of human development. But for your friends, it’s just another lame-ass conversation that they can’t relate to, and are forced to feign interest in. That doesn’t mean you should never talk about your kid. But in terms of infants, let’s restrict conversations to a few acceptable benchmarks, like when your kid can walk, form actual words (not just sounds -- that shit doesn’t count), gets their first set of teeth, has a birthday, or starts preschool. But on behalf of my childless friends out there, keep any other developmental subtleties to yourself, because for most single people, they find more magic at the end of a spliff-tail then they do in a jar of pabulum. That said, this is somewhat of man’s perspective. For some women out there, a story about your kid's eating habits is like a smooth pull on a crack pipe that can sustain them until their next hit, or until they push out their own kid. Other women just wanna hit The Apartment and get low. Fair enough.

4) The Parenting Epiphany

One of the most annoying things I’ve noticed in so many new parents is what I call the "parenting epiphany". That's the concept that, as a parent,you now have some glorious new worldview. And I quote from the Book of Smug Parenting Douchbaggary: "Fore I have transcended my party-going, Yongkang-raging friends, and reached a new stage of enlightenment of Buddha-esque wisdom that only a true parent could ever understand. Your ways are now beneath me, for I see the truth. I am Parent. I am going home early, and I like it, because I am responsible." That’s a dick move, parent! First, you don’t need a PhD in philosophy to understand that parenting = responsibility. Second, as a new parent, I can tell you I miss going out, and you do too. If you tell yourself that you’ve received the gospel of parenting and no longer feel the need to go out, and that helps you get over the fact you have no more social life, fine. But don’t be smug about it, because you know that deep down, if you could afford a decent nanny, you’d be out killing it right now, smashing DVDs, smoking, and day-drinking. Also, I’m really sure you were thinking about the next divine stage of your life while you were drunkenly conceiving your child after Dada Bar kicked you out at 5am, smelling like red wine and cigarettes. ** Well that’s it for this round of parenting dick moves. Remember -- settling into to a new life as a mom or dad is no easy task, especially as all your friends are partying and hitting up Champagne brunches every Sunday. So we should allow ourselves a few dick moves, and in most cases our friends will be cool enough to put up with them. Being a new parent is hard at first. It just seems like one responsibility after another. But just remember, one day, twenty years from now, when your kids are in university and you’re like 55, fat, and kind of financially stable, you can always go to Thailand and bang prostitutes. A little light at the end of the tunnel. Until then, don't be a dick.

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