I don't like breaking a sweat over Valentine's Day, but I want to look as if I did. It's not that my heart isn't in the right place—it's that my timing isn't. Mercifully, I live in an ideal place for paying someone to convey that thoughtfulness for me. Taobao makes it really easy to purchase a generic, ho-hum object and get it printed in your beloved's image. If you're really confident about the status of your relationship, then you can also Kimye it with an unapologetic couples portrait. Women may appreciate this kind of gift more than men do. Even so—in the worst case, it's too cheesy and he hates it. But he can't show it. Only a total asshole would, and this would be a good way to out him. Best case scenario, he likes it and the gift-giving bar is henceforth set low. Here are some of the customized gifts you can get in jiffy. No one at SmartShanghai was willing to spare their loved ones for potential pixelated shame, so we got our sample products made with our dream power couple instead: Fan Bing Bing and shirtless Putin, who we could only get in low-res.

Custom iPhone case, 19.80rmb (free delivery)

We messaged the owner of this Taobao shop and said that we needed our DIY case urgently. He didn't ask any questions, though we kinda hoped he would. The case came the next afternoon, and someone had taken liberties with our design—zoomed in too far and cropped out our teddy bear on the right hand corner. There's also a silver shimmer finish on it, but I think I'm getting my money's worth in this unplanned merger of two fantasies (shirtless Putin and Twilight vampire sparkle). Get it here.

Laser printed cake, 235rmb for 10 inch (free delivery)

This elaborate piñata border was the best liberty taken of all. We didn't even ask for it, but the cake makers probably opened our jpeg and thought, "You wanna fuck with us?" and fucked with us right back. The photo layer is printed in sugar and edible dyes, so yes we ate Bing Bing's face. The cake came two days after we ordered it, and it mostly tasted like stale air. The presentation really made up for that, though. Get it here.

Custom mug, 27.80rmb (5.50rmb delivery)

Printed mugs are kind of 90's, but this one does that party trick where the image isn't revealed until hot water gets poured into it. It's the safest choice on this list, if you're into safety. It took three days after ordering to arrive. Get it here.

Custom pillow cushion, 68rmb (5.50rmb delivery)

...we didn't even choose satin. And yet, it's just what we wanted. If this one is likely to creep your girl or guy out, then maybe try getting a cushion of his/her cat or dog printed instead. This one also took three days. Get it here.

Custom puzzle, 48rmb (5.50rmb delivery)

So fun. A lot of possibilities for distortion here. The seller can do these puzzles in landscape or portrait mode, and as big as you want 'em. Ours came in three days. Get it here.

Custom T-Shirt, 160rmb (in-store pickup)

It's not easy to find someone who's willing to print a single customized t-shirt—most places will require a minimum batch of t-shirts—but Wasavy's Printshop will for 160rmb. That price includes a basic tee, some editing work and the actual printing. They also offer a rush service for an additional 10% of the cost. We were able to pick ours up in three days. Get it here.

Commissioned Portrait, 800rmb (in-store pickup)

We took Putin and Fan Bing Bing to Painter's Street and tried haggling with a dozen or so painters. They all started off with a similar price—around 1600rmb, or 800rmb per face—but one guy who was busy playing Solitaire during our negotiation accepted 800rmb for both faces. It seems pretty clear that he started off with Putin, then hurried his way through Fan Bing Bing and Putin's left hand once he felt the pressure of time. Give your painter some time for this one—this one took five days to complete, but he/she will probably give you priority if you pay extra. Painter's Street is in an alleyway at 212 Wending Lu, near Nandan Lu (文定路212号， 近南丹路) — full listing with map here. *** If you find registering for a Taobao account and paying for your goods a bit tricky, then this step-by-step guide on how to "Taobao the easy way" might help.