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2013 Ice Cream Overdose: The Moveable Feast

The ice cream man commeth. Have I made that bit of word play before? Can you plagiarize from yourself? Let's find out!
By Jun 20, 2013 Dining

TELL EVERYONE



So far, 2013 has been a really great and busy year for things happening: the Iron Man 3, the Star Track: Intro the Darkness, the new Hobbit trailer, and I also heard some Wikipedia leaks are happening in Hong Kong. It's been a whirlwind.

The best part about things happening is that there is always a delicious ice cream treat to enjoy with life's most significant historical events. Why, even right now convenience store bins all over this fine, fine land are overflowing with frozen deliciousness for you, and all you have to do is reach out and take it.

But which one should you get? Which one should you choose? Which should be your flavor for 2013?

Which ice creams are delicious and which taste like iced suicide?

Which ones should you rush out and buy this instant and which ones are you far better off just stapling your tongue to the floor of a VD clinic?

Which indeed!

Hey, don't worry, good buddy, because SmartBeijing and SmartShanghai are here for you to try out a whole bunch of them and tell you which ice creams are totally right-on for 2013 and which are wack as fuck. It's our deal. It's our thing. It's a calling. Behold: the first national edition of the yearly Ice Cream Overdose article.

It's a moveable feast!

The Scientific Ice Cream Rating System of Science


The unit of measurement of ice cream quality as ratified by the United Nations in 1964 is, and shall forever be, the "Debra". The taxi cab wine advertisement temptress is synonymous with experience, refinement, off-the-charts sexiness, rigor, and professional accountability. We rely on her likeness herein to lend to the yearly proceedings the professionalism you've come to expect from the Internet.

Here is a picture of Debra KILLING IT IN A HELICOPTER in an off-the-cuff selfie that ignites my passions for her like as if someone had poured a fine chablis all over my trembling loins.


Debra, master of wine, the skies, my heart

Pull up a chair, here's The Debra Index. Feel the science.

The Debra Index is a scale, one to five, with five “Debras” denoting a perfect score, i.e. ice cream that is so profound, it's like a metaphorical nuclear-scale orgasm explosion that transpires amongst two mirrors facing each other, replicating the nuclear-scale orgasm explosion on into a timeless infinity. ...Metaphorically.

If Debra herself was an ice cream, she would rate a perfect five Debras.



At the other end of the spectrum, one “Debra” means it tastes as if someone distilled all human pain and suffering experienced since the dawn of time into an icy dagger and stabbed your soul in the face with it. Then had your visa revoked.



Okay? All good?

Summer is here, my friends. Let's dance!

***

Power Cap Banana Thing




Our first entry into the "interesting delivery system" category for 2013 is Power Cap Banana Thing, which is straightforward cold banana pudding mix sealed in a plastic bottle that you rip the cap off of. I think it's supposed to be somewhat extreme. You're supposed to blast this shit, bruh. Blast it. Do it, do it. TO THE MAX.

Tastes:

Sweet, sweet banana pudding and that's pretty much it. Kind of boring but not flat out horrendous. The thrill is in knocking the head off this thing, and just manhandling it and pounding it out with your fists, and, as there is some French writing on the bag, it makes me think it's being marketed to Chinese guys who like going to No. 88.

Ooof. TOO SOON.

Rating: 2 Debras



*

Mystery Banana Boy




Well, don't this just beat all! What we have here is an ice cream that you peel like a banana. I know, eh! Pretty neat. If you don't just love Mystery Banana Boy then you have no soul and I feel sorry for you, leading such a dim and joyless little life.

Tastes:

Super weird. But that's why we're in this game, son. That's why we play. The green "peels" have the consistency of noodles -- they're kind of springy and chewy -- and the "banana" inside is a vanilla slash banana pudding hybrid that veers just shy of sickeningly sweet. Super weird thing. The peels are even pre-cut to open up in a certain way.

The question mark on the front?

Time to question everything you know about ice cream treats, everyone. We're through the looking glass.

Rating: 3 Debras



*

Historical Looking Ice Cream Buddy




With a scene of classic Beijing on the front and a pedigree that dates back to pre-Cultural Revolution days, HLICB stirs up the inquisitive white guy blogger in my soul and I don't even know if I'm supposed to eat it or write a thesis about it. What we've got here, though, is a definitely bloggable sort of vanilla sugar water and yogurt combo frozen in a bar, simple and sweet.

Tastes:

Delicious. Like high-fiving Deng Xiaoping. 3 Debbies, do it.

Rating: 3 Debras



*

Hitler Coffee




I thought it said "Hitler Coffee" when I bought it, thinking to myself, 'Ooo, how piquant!' but it actually says "Bitter Coffee", which is probably better marketing-wise, considering.

Considering the Holocaust.

But, plus, the person on the bag, if you just glanced real quick at that, come on, that looks a bit Hitler-y. But yeah, it's coffee ice cream with a hard shell chocolate casing.

Tastes:

Pretty blah. Bland. And sort of confused. The chocolate casing on the outside is sweet and the ice cream on the inside is a dull, unsweetened coffee flavor. It's like it fighting a war on two fronts.

Yes, folks, it's like it's fighting a war on two fronts...

*cough*

Rating: 1.5 Debras



*

Some Dick Holding a LifeSaver Ice Cream Guy




"Man, you seen the size of Johnny's LifeSaver? It's huuuuuuge."

Yeah, this whole thing is pretty baffling. I don't know. From the guy on the front, it looks like they're going for that demographic who like to plow 500,000 dollar cars into pedestrians and then argue that they're from rich families. Next flesh search, it'll take five seconds to find the guy 'cause he's right here on this bag.

With a giant LifeSaver.

Tastes:

Fruit juice. Three different kinds. Not too bad but really artificial tasting. Really processed and tart. So so. Two Debras, line 'em up.

Rating: 2 Debras



*

Straight Up, These Are Some Anal Beads




Straight up, there are some anal beads.

Tastes:

I was at the convenience store buying a lot of different kinds of ice cream, getting lots of different kinds, and just really trying to broaden my horizons with different tastes and flavors. I've always considered myself pretty adventurous and willing to try new things. Anyways, I brought all my stuff to the clerk at the front and he went over to the fridge himself and pulled this one out for me, suggesting I give it a shot. He said all his friends were doing it and he'd done it before.

As I said, I've always considered myself pretty adventurous and willing to try new things. Like, I just want to live my life to the fullest, you know? I'll try anything once. And so I did.

First one ball and then the next...and then the next... and then the next... and before I knew it... well, what can I say! It was an experience!

(It tasted a bit like coconut.)

Rating: 3 Debras



*

Agony Cone




Oh man. This is a standard prepackaged choco-dip cone that was in the bottom of the freezer for so long, I had second thoughts about even pulling it out because I was worried that it would be like that prisoner from the Shawshank Redemption that couldn't even deal with the outside world. This fucking thing has seen some shit, know what I'm saying?

Tastes:

When I opened the bag for this thing and was met with a chorus of disembodied voices howling in an eternal agony, I should have known that something was amiss. Agony Cone tasted not so much like a choco-dip but more like licking an ancient and arcane evil that had long since been locked away from the world of man until one foolish mortal, in his ignorance, released it from it's eternal slumber to once again cast all the world in darkness and misery, and usher in a new dark age that would grind humanity under its boot for all time.

Like, exactly like that.

Rating: Zero Debras

*

A Child's Nightmare




A Child's Nightmare is a standard soft-serve vanilla-chocolate combo fabricated into a deformed face with the purpose of striking a deep and unshakable fear into the hearts and minds of small children, ideally causing enough trauma and distress to form the basis for a lifetime of interpersonal anxiety, social phobias, and self-image neuroses.

But, yeah, choco-vanilla soft serve.

Tastes:

I didn't even try it, I was too afraid. I was scared it would become sentient and rip me apart with its mind, maybe setting me on fire or something. It's in the other room right now and I'm too afraid to go in there...

Rating: N/A

*

Green Pea Mystery Veggie Guy




Here we go. This is some veggie-based ice cream that I have to deal with every year because I go to bat for you people and I want you to have the full picture of what's out there. I don't know what kind of veggie that is. It's peas or beans or something.

It's bullshit beans picked off the bullshit tree that they grow out there at Bullshit Farms.

Tastes:

Look, there's no two ways about it so I'm just going to come out and say it: this tastes like licking a dusty old penis.

Rating: .5 Debras



*

Green Pea Guy




Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute. Another green pea guy. Well, shit... let's do this.

Tastes:



Rating: No.

***

WINNER: Diabetes.

***

Yay! Ice creams! See you all next year! Awesome!

*

TELL EVERYONE

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  • lawrence

    I quite like the pea one myself, but neither of the two you reviewed.
    It is an acquired taste though. I usually get mine when the ice cream guys come to our office lane and sell boxes of it, and I load up the fridge.

    My current weird ass favourite is the orange tennis ball shaped icecream, but its a gnarly 7rmb a pop. Available at the Kedi.

    For the cheaper stuff, I like the purplish package with nuts. There are various flavours of it. Outside layer is alleged chocolate with nuts, then solidish alleged chocolate substance, then crunchy balls and purple gunk. At the bottom is vanilla icecream. Rather good in a I don't really know what I'm eating kind of way. Not sure what its called, I shall take a photo next time I'm at the shops.
    Its also the closest to a western one in the < 3rmb price range.

    That said, its probably gone up since last i bought some many weeks ago.

  • JoeD

    I think the Mystery Banana dude pretty creative actually.

    Plus,

    "The thrill is in knocking the head off this thing, and just manhandling it and pounding it out with your fists, and, as there is some French writing on the bag, it makes me think it's being marketed to Chinese guys who like going to No. 88."

    Best line written this year.

  • robjamdj

    Morgan, your a filthy liar! You got some of that melted child's nightmare right up in ya beard.

  • devin

    Agree with JoeD!

    That's hands down the best line written this year!

    As per every year with this article you had me in stitches Morg!

    See you soon!

  • Unverified User

    Great article!

    I'll have to implement the Debra-rating system with my friends for...pretty much everything! :)

  • georgewyndham

    Lovin' the self-taken pic of Debra killing it in a helicopter - haha. Where the hell did you find that stalker?

  • bprichard

    Pretty sure Ice Cream Jamboree is the primary reason for Smart's existence.

  • Krusty

    Once again a rare 'out loud' laugh from me. This article definitely gets 5 perennially surprised Debras. And the "Child's Nightmare" one reminds me of the half-masked Mr. Harrow character on Boardwalk Empire.

  • ferret

    Thank you, Morgan.

  • chachachow

    come back to shanghai morgan

  • marksmark

    Brilliant, as one comes to expect. Marketing departments the world over will be vying for your services.

  • terjia

    COTY, as usual.

    I hope this analysis wasn't conducted with your new fancy BJ friends, if I can't get PCBT here in SH I'm gonna be pretty upset

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